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Porndoggy: Barebacking laid bare

The World's Hungriest Cumhole Contest

WADING THROUGH THE MUCK. Watching The World's Hungriest Cumhole Contest makes you think the Conservatives are right.

I’ve consciously avoided writing about barebacking videos because I knew I wasn’t going to be nicey-nice about it. I mean, hello, I came out in 1984 while I was still a teen. Far as I’m concerned, condoms go with the territory. If you’re not using them, you go in the dimwit index of my book. If you’re not using them and you think that’s okay or hot, then you get relegated to a dead-of-own-stupidity footnote.

So now that you know how I really feel, let me play objective reviewer.

Since I felt duty bound to examine some barebacking work, I figured I might just as well jump in the deep end. Hence a couple of horrible hours wading through the muck of a piece entitled The World’s Hungriest Cumhole Contest (from Hot Desert Knights). Here’s how it works: 1) A bunch of guys send their profiles to Barebackjack.com, a website for unsafe-sex enthusiasts (and their admirers, I guess), in the hopes of being chosen to appear in the video. 2) Three of them are selected, apparently through votes by members of the site. 3) The three get on their knees and get fucked by a bunch of guys. 4) Whoever gets the most loads dumped inside them, wins.

Now, dear reader, I really did attempt to get past the fact that these men — and any women who may be involved — are conducting themselves in what I consider a reprehensible fashion. I failed, I admit. But had I managed to get past the sickening sensation that I might well be witnessing people infecting themselves with pernicious diseases — not to mention infecting others with stupidity — I would still have a lot to complain about.

As I occasionally try to explain, porn needs to be good. That can mean a myriad of things: a silly narrative, a tongue-in-cheek take on sex, really good buttfucking, super hot guys, porn stars with charisma, fetishes common and otherwise, great video-graphy or a well-written script. Let’s face it, we are cutting porn a lot of slack. We ain’t expecting Brokeback Mountain.

Sadly, World’s Hungriest has none — count ’em, none — of the above-mentioned qualities. Mind you, it did inspire some emotions I don’t generally identify with watching filthy sex onscreen: anger and sadness. So I guess that’s an accomplishment.

I must say it’s a good thing I didn’t watch this porno before the election — it’s enough to make you vote Conservative.