Toronto Diary
1 min

Put it on your wish list: the Chinese blowjob machine

I’m not sure what surprises me more about this: that someone has finally built a beej machine or that it isn’t from Japan.

Yes, not content with their Chinese finger traps, China is now offering the Chinese cock trap. It’s called the Sperm Collector, and much like a Treasure Island Media model, its sole purpose is to suck dicks. You know, because no harm can come from sticking a sensitive, blood-filled organ into a machine that doesn’t understand the phrase “PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP! I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY DICK.”

Anyway, the good news is that if you’re looking for some oral and you don’t want to deal with any of that “human interaction” bullshit, which everyone seems to be so fond of, you can now buy your own blowjob machine for the low, low price of $2,900 (which would buy you almost 20 real blowjobs from a rentboy)!

If oral isn’t your thing and you’re more into anal, there’s also this new gadget from Sony that fucks you five ways to Sunday then leaks all your personal information on the internet! You may have heard of it: it’s called the PlayStation 3.

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