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Religious scholars claim biblical marriage might not be that straight and narrow

For years, one of the biggest arguments against gay marriage is the claim that "the Bible says marriage is between one man and one woman." You know, because no other religion or culture has marriage. What rubes!

Oddly enough, according to a report written by a group of religious scholars for the Des Moines Register, if you actually took the time to read the Bible, you'd be delightfully surprised to learn just what it considers as legitimate marriage. (Hint: slaves. It's totally down with you marrying slaves.)

The phrase “at least one woman” recognizes that polygamy was not only allowed, but some polygamous biblical figures (e.g., Abraham, Jacob) were highly blessed. In 2 Samuel 12:8, the author says that it was God who gave David multiple wives: “I gave you your master’s house, and your master’s wives into your bosom. … And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more” (Revised Standard Version).

In fact, there were a variety of unions and family configurations that were permissible in the cultures that produced the Bible, and these ranged from monogamy (Titus 1:6) to those where rape victims were forced to marry their rapist (Deuteronomy 22:28-29) and to those Levirate marriage commands obligating a man to marry his brother’s widow regardless of the living brother’s marital status (Deuteronomy 25:5-10; Genesis 38; Ruth 2-4). Others insisted that celibacy was the preferred option (1 Corinthians 7:8; 28). 

For the record, Betty Bowers covered this a while back, so I've included it below. Now onward to the part where I overthink this! 

The Bible is many things: a moral guideline, something to read in your motel room when you forgot to pack a book, a paperweight . . .  But it's not a guide to marital bliss, nor is it a guide to better sex. Hell, when you start letting a higher power tell you what you can and cannot do during sex, that's not a religion; that's an incredibly specific fetish.

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