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Roundup archives: October 2007

Each weekday, Xtra.ca tells you what stories have queer people talking.

Oct 31, 2007

Former N’Sync member Chris Kirkpatrick tells People he thinks it’s “awesome” that he once pinged former bandmate and professional gay author Lance Bass’ gaydar. He’s probably just happy to be on anyone’s radar. According to the article, Krikpatrick doesn’t miss touring with the multi-platinum-selling band, saying “Now I can just sit back and do what I love,” which, judging from the picture includes:

  • eating Doritos by the crateful
  • deciding where to get his next half-finished tattoo
  • counting his chins

You’d think the guy who has to lug around all those boxes of unsold FuManSkeeto clothes would be in better shape.

And today’s Republican gay sex scandal.

Oct 30, 2007

Argentina has it’s first (elected) lady president. One thing’s for certain, I’m not crying for this one.

German lady president Angela Merkel announces plans to criminalise forced marriages. So it’s back to drawing board with my plans for supermodel Lars Burmeister.

Sure to please gay men and lady presidents everywhere, the half-man-half-horse firefighter whose appearance in a Guys Gone Wild video (NSFW) prompted the pulling of the FDNY firefighters charity calendar this summer is launching his own calendar. The website invites you to have him “hang around all year” for the low, low cost of $9.95. Of course, just watching the GGW video is cheaper and hotter.

Oct 29, 2007

An unidentified British royal is caught in a sex-and-drugs-video scandal. May I guess which crazy royal with a history of risky behaviour we’re talking about here?

Short men complain after a report shows that paedophiles are more likely to be short men. Apropos of nothing, here’s a chart of famous people ordered by height.

A gay couple are elected homecoming “princes” at their California high school’s Homecoming. This is democracy at work, governor.

Oct 26, 2007

Leftists in Alberta — both of them — think Premier Stelmach made a shady backroom deal with oil companies over royalties. Speaking of backrooms, The Barn is opening again on Wednesday.

And speaking of bending over for something evil, Stephane Dion says that he won’t trigger an election over Stephen Harper’s planned GST cut, even though he believes it’s a foolish way to cut taxes. The “loyal opposition” isn’t meant to be that loyal. (Geez, vote against it. It likely wouldn’t trigger an election anyway, since the Bloc wouldn’t oppose it either).

Sarah Jessica Parker was named world’s unsexiest woman by the world’s unsexiest magazine, Maxim. Quote the totally straight mag: “we’d rather ride Chris Noth.”

Oct 25, 2007

Straight men can earn up to 23 percent more than gay men, according to a UK study. Who knew the royalties from corbinfisher.com (NSFW) paid so well?

US Court of Appeals strikes down an anti-porn law, which they said could lead to unnecessary harassment of people who use YouPorn.com, PornoTube.com, or Xtube.com (all NSFW). The current state of free speech in America: amateur internet porn OK, but so is tasering college students at political rallies.

An Austrian anti-porn activist wants Innsbruck to remove a giant crucifix bearing a naked Jesus from a public square. Could this be the cause that unites Christian moralists and secular gays?

Oct 24, 2007

Toronto City Council passes new taxes on land transfers. Among services the new tax will pay for, your new condo in the Village will come with a David Miller bobblehead doll that promises to ward off evil spirits but disappear when a Dalton McGuinty enters a room.

Somehow, John Tory and Howard Hampton are insisting that their keeping their jobs as leaders of the provincial Progressive Conservatives and NDP. Here’s hoping they don’t give up their outspoken support of gay sex in public places either.

Oct 23, 2007

The Globe compares former PMs Brian Mulroney and Jean Chretien’s recent memoirs and decides Mulroney’s is superior. Though it is ironic that of the two of them, Mulroney’s book, clocking in at over 1100 pages, hardcover, makes a much better weapon.

Also, just in case you had any questions, the Globe is hosting a discussion on how to talk to your kids about homosexuality, now that a Harry Potter character is gay and their fragile, previously heterosexual imaginations have been irreparably harmed (I assume). I wonder if Laureen Harper will be there?

In this day and age of airplane terrorism paranoia in the US, it’s good to know that middle-America airport authorities have a sense of humour.

Oct 22, 2007

A fictional children’s book character who will never appear in any more books, was gay, according to his creator, JK Rowling. It’s a brave statement that could only be more brave if it appeared anywhere in the books themselves.

A Winnipeg beautification group, Take Pride Winnipeg, is concerned that people could be confused by its name into thinking its members are gay.

A Catholic cleric at the Vatican who was suspended for admitting that he’s gay claims to have a dossier with information on “a number” of gay priests operating in the Church. Big deal. So does the RCMP.

Oct 19, 2007

Marc Garneau is set to run for the Liberals in the next federal election. In other astronaut news, Lance Bass claims Justin Timberlake once told him he wanted to act in a gay movie.

The US army accidentally put recruitment ads on gay web sites. Gay readers probably just thought it was porn.

In more whimsical news, Improv Everywhere takes the piss out of Abercrombie and Fitch’s male models in their latest ambush performance.

Oct 18, 2007

Dion’s Liberals won’t vote down Harper’s throne speech, but Harper — remember, he doesn’t want an election — is retaliating by saying he won’t accept any amendments to his crime legislation, which includes raising the age of consent.

If Harper’s uptight, this might cheer him up: French prez Nicolas Sarkozy and wife Cecilia have decided to split up, which puts Harper’s one-time love interest back on the market.

Sault Ste. Marie Catholic school board votes to disallow health professionals access to the school to provide free HPV vaccines to female students. Good to know that as the human pappiloma virus becomes an endangered species in Canada, responsible officials are creating a sanctuary where the majestic virus can roam free.

Oct 17, 2007

Harper announces plans to bring back legislation to raise the age of consent in the government throne speech. It’s just like the last two years never happened.

Some Canadian soldiers will do anything to avoid going to Kandahar…Gay bashing or not, shouldn’t the punishment for assault not involve an extended stay in the pot capital of Europe?

A new study tries to find evidence of a gay gene by testing pairs of gay twin brothers. So far, taste tests of the genetic material of gay twins has been inconclusive.

Oct 16, 2007

California governor and former Terminator Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoes same-sex marriage legislation for the second time. In other news of gays striving for heteronormativity, same-sex marriage could be an issue in Australia’s upcoming election.

Pako Tabatadze became the first gay on TV in the Republic of Georgia when he came out on GeoBar, a reality show. He was then booted from the show by disapproving producers, showing just how awful ignorance can be. Pat yourself on the back if you can find Georgia on a map.

Oct 15, 2007:

Former PQ leader Andre Boisclair resigns from politics. This will hopefully leave him with more time to pose in and be gay.

A high-ranking Vatican official caught in a gay sex scandal insists gay sex isn’t a sin. But if I can’t feel Catholic guilt, is it still fun? (Yes.)

This week’s Republican gay sex scandal involves a teenage runaway.

Oct 12, 2007

Does watching gay porn make you incapable of committing a hate crime? No. Anthony Fortunato was convicted of committing a hate crime despite his testimony that he likes gay porn and CD gay sex. On the upside, he’ll have plenty of opportunity for that where he’s going.

Kicking when they’re down? A conservative organization theorizes that John Tory’s humiliating defeat in Wednesday’s Ontario election is linked to his past support of gay rights, and his turn leading the gay pride parade. Fairness where fair’s due: leading the gay pride parade is the highest political office Tory’s actually managed to attain.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he was mistranslated when he told an audience of Columbia students that there are no gays in Iran. What he meant to say is that there are “not many” gays in Iran. Also, check out this video.

Oct 11, 2007

Denise Richards’ court documents, or the plot of next week’s Two and a Half Men? According to court documents obtained by the New York Post, ex-wife Richards alleges that Charlie Sheen enjoys gay twink porn and has pictures of his erect penis on adult sex sites. Who doesn’t?

Odd, yet tragic news: an Alabama minister dies while masturbating in a wet suit with a dildo up his ass. Christian conservatives in wet suits? If the coroner’s report wasn’t available online, I wouldn’t believe it. A Canadian Christian conservative wouldn’t ever be caught dead in a wet suit. Never.

Oct 10, 2007

Ontario goes to the polls! Ironically, the upward angle in that McGuinty photo may be the only angle that doesn’t make his smile look slightly maniacal.

Those of you waffling on the electoral reform referendum may want to take the Newfoundland results in mind. Liberal and NDP candidates took 30 percent of the vote, but received a combined 8 percent of the seats.

Another day, another Republican gay sex ‘scandal’…

Oct 9, 2007

CiRCA nightclub opens in Toronto, despite the best efforts of the Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario. Despite being on the guest list and, y’know, a moderately famous member of the media, for some reason, I still had to wait in line and pay cover like the plebes.

Lindsay Lohan checks out of rehab and swears off drugs. Please let this heartwarming tale that shows people can break bad habits comfort you when reading polls showing that Dalton McGuinty is heading for a second majority government in Ontario.

Prince Harry perhaps learning from Lohan’s example eschews snorting coke to snort vodka. Then licks some dude’s nipple. By the arcane rules of the British monarchy, that nipple is now fifth in line for the throne.

Oct 5, 2007

Upper Class Canada College announces plan to close its boarding residence in order to reach out to the hoi polloi. Students will now channel their high school dormitory gay sex fantasies into Harry Potter slash fan-fiction.

Steven Colbert steals my column title for his latest new ongoing series of investigations. Praise and royalty cheques, please?

The Pentagon receives an Ig Nobel award for its research into creating a “gay bomb” that would make enemy combatants have gay sex with each other, but doesn’t send anyone to pick up the award. They should have just given the award to Pavel Novotney — that opening scene in Czech Point certainly makes me want to bang a soldier.

Oct 4, 2007

Remember when Harper passed a law on fixed federal election dates and called it more democratic because it removes the Prime Minister’s power to set elections at times of short-lived political convenience? Now, Harper announces that he will consider every bill he places before Parliament a confidence matter, despite vocal disapproval from the opposition. Well, that was short-lived.

Is Britney distancing herself from her gay fan base, or just her creepy fanbase?

Alleged gay-basher, alleged thief, and murder-suspect Anthony Fortunato insists he’s not a gay-basher because he’s secretly gay, and testifies to having kinky cross-dressing encounters to prove it. So, is the prosecution’s line “two out of three ain’t bad?”

Oct 3, 2007

Actor George Takei has an asteroid named after him. It’s now the second gayest thing in the sky, after Orion’s giant dong/sword.

A Scottish parliamentarian launches a bill that would include LGBT people in hate crimes legislation. Soon, it will be safe for a man to wear a skirt in public in Scotland.

Studies show babies born to poor mothers are at risk of medical problems. Of course, babies born to filthy rich moms don’t necessarily do much better.

Oct 2, 2007

Weird headline in an otherwise tragic file: ” Mattress stains not blood.”

Abortion wait times in Ottawa hit six weeks. Some women are resorting to staring at pictures of Stephen Harper until it just happens spontaneously. (WARNING: Staring at pictures of Justin Trudeau can have the opposite effect.) This biology lesson has been brought to you by my Catholic high school education.

Toronto councillor Kyle Rae’s partner Mark Reid complains that last weekend’s Nuit Blanche festivities could have been “a lot raunchier.” Maybe the event should be renamed Ennui Blanche?

Oct 1, 2007

A Canadian retailer launches its annual “Jump Start” fundraiser to help needy kids play sports by selling red tennis balls. Perfect for those great sadistic kids’ games like Red Ass.

In other odd retail news, Weird Asia News reports on “The Horny Remover.” Apparently, it sucks the horny right away somehow…

John Tory begins to back off the religious schools funding promise. What was that about ‘never backing down’ from something you believe in, Tory?