Blogs & Columns
2 min

Sausage Attack/Pappy’s Seasoning aka The Curious Incident of the Sausage at Night Time

It turns out that my buddy C is a wealth of strange internet info and is often my deep throat (figurative only) for a lot of the material on this site and on the old vancouvergayblog.blogspot.com site (oh how I miss you Right Up Your Alley: Vancouver's Gay Blog – I miss the purple leopard print dresses and the Zima, the Brenda Dickson and the one-way alleys…and of course, who could forget that time I lost my Patrick Stewart cherry).

Anyway, check this out:

Burglar victims wake to spice rub, sausage attack
By Louis Galvan / The Fresno Bee


09/06/08 21:55:06







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Warehouse

A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food
seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms
and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and
head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies
said Saturday.

Lt. Ian Burrimond, describing the crime as one of
the strangest he's ever heard of, said a suspect was found hiding in a
nearby field a few minutes later and taken into custody on suspicion of
residential robbery.

Deputies, he said, had no problem linking the suspect to the crime.

Antonio Vasquez Jr.
Antonio Vasquez Jr.

"It seems the guy ran out of the house wearing only a T-shirt, boxer
shorts and socks, leaving behind his wallet with his ID," Burrimond
said.

Arrested was Antonio Vasquez Jr., 21, of Fresno.

Burrimond
said deputies headed to the victims' home in the 300 block of South
Thompson Avenue near Kings Canyon Road shortly after 8 a.m. Saturday
regarding a burglary in progress.

The victims, both farmworkers,
told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's
Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

Both the spices and the sausage, Burrimond said, reportedly were obtained from the victims' kitchen.

After the man fled, the victims discovered the home had been ransacked and that some money was taken, Burrimond said.

Burrimond
said the money was recovered, but that the piece of sausage used in the
attack was discarded by the suspect and eaten by a dog.

"That's right, the dog ate the weapon," Burrimond said.

"I tell you, this was one weird case."

The reporter can be reached at lgalvan@fresnobee.com

_______________________

Now is it just me, or do you find this whole thing homoerotic? Everytime I saw the word "sausage" in this article, it made me think "penis" and everytime I saw the word "seasoning", it made me think of "semen".

The only red herring, of course, is the dog. How convenient that it ate the weapon.

Hate to state the obvious but apparently Pappy's Seasoning will fuck you up.

I've written the reporter to discover the bottom to this situation. I will let you all know what comes of it.