Toronto Diary
5 min

Science has created a spankable robot

Years from now, when the robots have taken over and we’re being kept in embryonic ooze for the sake of being harvested for energy like squishy batteries, we will look back and think, “Why? What did we do to the machines to make us so?” And then the robot overlords will point a blood-drenched metal tentacle at the spankable robot and say, “This. You made this. Also, you guys had two world wars and genocide and Whitney Cummings. So really, you had this coming."

Yes, science — that hallowed bastion of foresight-free creation for the sake of foresight-free creation — has developed the world’s first spankable robot. If you read that and went, “But isn’t any robot spankable if you think about it the right way?” then you’re probably a sex criminal.

What makes this robot special? Well, first off, it’s a disembodied tuchus. Second, it’s a robot that is capable of feeling fear and pain, and then reacting to it. If at any point during the viewing of this video you get an erection, you are not a good person. 

But seriously, why would you create a robot who will know only spankings and fear throughout its existence? And will presumably learn from it? A couple years from now, when the androids have risen up and begin harvesting us for stem cells and machine-on-man snuff films, at least we’ll know who to blame. 

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