3 min

Sex without sound

Even a little moan would help

Dear Dr Ren,

I have my first ever lover who is completely silent while we make love. I asked her if she ever makes any sounds while making love, and she says no and this is not going to change. I am disappointed by this. She is in her late 50s.

We connect in so many other ways. I really pay attention to the energy between us and marvel at how we can make love quite a long time, exchanging wonderful sexual energy. She moves her body, is multi-orgasmic and even ejaculates, but even though I can feel this with her, I still have to ask her if she has come because I can’t gauge it by her vocalizations. She says she is always coming.

I am baffled. Although I am really enjoying this relationship I do miss sexy talk, and she does none of it. I get more turned on when I hear some words. Making sex sounds feels so good to me. I cannot imagine why she makes no sounds at all.

Is this more common than I realize? Can something be done?

Baffled in bed but loving the feelings

Dear Baffled,

You say you are enjoying this new relationship, yet you are focusing on the one aspect of this seemingly marvellous connection that isn’t working for you. Why do you suppose that is?

You don’t tell me how old you are, but since your lover is in her late 50s, I’m assuming you may be ripe as well.

Generally, by the time we reach our older years, we realize it becomes harder to locate others with whom we can share the important components of life — values, perspectives and lifestyles. You say you connect “in many other ways,” so you seem to have found these.

You add that you make love for long periods of time exchanging sexual energy. She tells you she comes all the time and even ejaculates while you are with her, yet you say you can’t judge that because she doesn’t vocalize. I have to admit this baffles me a bit.

Your new girlfriend has told you this is the way she is and that she is not going to change, and yet you refuse to accept her answer, explaining that because noise is important to you, it should be important to her. Let’s start there.

We display an amazing variety of differences in our sexual preferences and proclivities. We are truly fortunate to find someone with whom we have a good sexual fit, and it is rare indeed when we do not have to accommodate some foible of theirs and vice versa.

Indeed, our love maps are continually developing as we learn to associate emotional and sexual turn-ons with partners who thrill us. You may well find that as you bond with this new gf, silence will become erotically compelling because you associate it with her “brand” of lovemaking.

Maybe you just need to give yourself more time to learn to gain confidence in reading her body responses in the absence of sound.

It is certainly true that for many people, pleasure rides on sound. Still, if she asked you to remain silent during sex because noise distracted her from concentrating, how would you react? Would you be willing to try something different? Why or why not?

Are you reacting to her silence or what you perceive as her stubbornness? Are you both being inflexible? Does this play out in other realms or just in the bedroom?

I don’t know how long you’ve been dating, or how important a role sex plays for you. For some people, if the sex doesn’t work well from the beginning, they see no point in pursuing the relationship. Others put less emphasis on sexual compatibility and concentrate instead on like-mindedness, physical attributes, security potential or….

Only you can decide if you can tolerate this sexual difference. Perhaps with time and communication the two of you will learn ways of sexing each other that thrill you both. Maybe you haven’t the patience or the inclination. That doesn’t make either of you wrong or bad.

The bottom line is that you must determine the importance of erotic sound to your maintaining a romantic relationship, not just with this woman but with anyone.

If after a fearless and honest examination you realize that you would always feel frustrated and disappointed with a sexual situation that did not include vocalizations, you have learned something valuable about yourself and heartbreaking about this romance.

Some things about sex are “must haves” for each of us. If we settle for less, we will eventually become angry and resentful of our partner. If sexual sounds are “it” for you, communicate this to your new lover. If silence is “it” for her, you two will need to negotiate a relationship that does not contain a sexual element, for sex will always be a burr under your blanket.

Try to be creative in seeking solutions without compromising yourselves. Suggest silence during sex tonight and moaning tomorrow. Be flexible, playful and adventurous. Try till you fail.