3 min

Snap out of it!

Curing the November blues by exploring our bustling city

November is Ryan G Hinds’s mope-fest month, which calls for the Cher treatment. Credit: ????

Every year, November rolls around and it sucks. I’m usually the happy-go-lucky, positive-vibes type, but November is my once-a-year mope-fest, and every year my thought process goes something like this: Halloween is dunzo, as is decent weather. Christmas and New Year’s Eve seem so far away, at the other end of a looooong stretch of grey, cold, probably wet and gusty days. Why bother doing your hair for a date when it’ll get blown to hell and be soaked by the time you get to 7 West? Let’s be honest, who’s got a date anyway? That dude from online lost interest, exes should stay exes, and if there was anyone around worth dating, you would have met them already. Even if you were dating someone, is there anything to do that you haven’t done already? Either way, you’d be stuck taking TTC to get there; as anyone who ever takes the TTC knows, that means you’d get there late and annoyed.

Clearly, the best option is to stay home, hide behind a pint or 10 of ice cream and wait out the season watching Golden Girls on TV. Oh, it’s not on TV anymore? Channel surfing shows Rob Ford’s mug every other second. Does he really count as Can-con? The round-the-clock Ford follies on CP24 are draining, so maybe a quick trip to the library sounds good. Wait, you still have a fine from when you borrowed Les Misérables last year after the movie came out and didn’t finish it because it was 1,488 pages of characters getting killed and failing in their goals. Is the movie on Netflix? Maybe people getting killed and failing in their goals while singing about it isn’t the best watch. Hey, isn’t the musical playing? It sure is, at $130 a pop, which you totally can’t afford. Maybe that dude from online is still interested . . . will just one more message really make you look that desperate? Ouch. Blocked. Well, guess that’s a no. So, to wit: online dude thinks you’re a stalker; Russell Crowe singing, failing and dying is just as watchable as it sounds; Dorothy Zbornak exists only on DVD; the world is a cold, lonely, expensive, depressing place . . . and it’s only mid-November.

When I get like this, it’s time for the Cher treatment. That “thwack” sound is the sound of a really good backhand. What was Cher’s line in Moonstruck? “Snap out of it!” Say it out loud. Write it on your bathroom mirror. Put it on a sticker. I’m going to take my own advice and do the same, and I’m going to do it because there’s no excuse for mopiness, either my own or yours! November might be one of those weird seasonal transitional months, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Use it for personal growth and go play. Get a haircut that won’t get tempest-tossed. Instead of Les Misérables, pick up some of the $45 Aladdin tickets floating around — or go see cheaper theatre anywhere else! If your library fines are embarrassing (and frankly, mine are a lost cause; I expect the library police on my doorstep any time now), get thee to Glad Day’s sale rack or haunt your local Chapters . . . those chairs were made for sitting and reading! I will never say that ice cream and sitcoms is anything but a good thing, but keep your energy up with regular trips to the YMCA; whether you’re doing easy treadmill/bicycle or a demanding aerobics class or team sports, getting your blood flowing and your joints and muscles in motion will help keep the blues at bay.

As for the social factor? Puhh-lease. Only boring people get bored, and that’s a fact. Go clubbing! Fly has a new Saturday night format and you can tell Michael or Gilles I sent you. DJ Relentless has every Friday night in The Zone at Crews & Tangos and the monthly Poz TO parties in the same space. Retro Night on Sundays at Zipperz is always, always a good time, as is Miss Conception’s Sunday show at Woody’s (where you should catch her before she flies south for the winter). Further south on Church, Club120 always has a full calendar of parties, from hot guys in underwear to a Janet Jackson tribute to T-girl nights and mixed queer dance parties.

Want to get away from the Village? Go east to WAYLA and holler at owner Brian Duval or west to one of the Henhouse’s drag nights and holler with the queens. Check out the Brazil Film Fest, starting Nov 28.

There are so many things going on as we get closer to holiday season there’s no excuse to hermit yourself away. I’m determined to shake off the shackles of my November doldrums . . . and if anyone sees me looking dour, you have full permission to give me the Cher treatment. Don’t be gentle!