Toronto Diary
1 min

Spider-goats will murder you and everyone you love

I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to science. Specifically, I love science until it starts making things that will murder me. Curing diseases and creating new and exciting technologies are the sort of things that science should be doing. Cross-breeding goats and spiders is not.

Let me make this clear: spiders are not insects. Spiders are actually the disembodied hands of Satan. Spiders have eight eyes for the sole purpose of being able to watch you die eight times. And now science is cross-breeding spiders with goats to create spider-goats that are capable of spinning silk stronger than Kevlar. The only real downside of this experiment is the fact that these crimes against humanity are now living right here in Ontario, and FUCKING SPIDER GOATS OH GOD WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Via CBC:

Beatriz Oliver, a part-time anthropology professor at the University of Ottawa, said she is shocked the animals are on display. She said the display itself upsets her because the animals are called natural on a plaque, which also includes notes such as: These goats produce milk that contains spider silk. The spider silk is extracted and spun into BioSteel, which is used in bulletproof vests and medical sutures. “I think it’s so fundamentally wrong,” Oliver told the CBC’s Ashley Burke. “Just to present it as something that’s OK, that’s normal … I think that’s not accurate. I think there should be both sides of the story on those panels.”

I suppose the pro in all of this is the fact that cross-breeding of these spider-goats could, in the long term, result in the mass-production of silk that would be used to provide police with more protection from firearms. That being said, all the bullet-proof vests won’t protect you from the goat-sized spiders once they develop a taste for dissolved human organs. So thanks, science, for making terrifying things infinitely more terrifying for the sake of shits and giggles, you terrible, terrible people.

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