It’s never been more fashionable to fuck your way to the middle than it is today. Hell, at this point a decent sex tape will do more for your career than a LinkedIn account could ever hope for. It even worked for Kim Kardashian, despite the fact that she looks like a Wookiee trying to shit a Volkswagen.
Squirt.org has fully embraced the public’s love of internet exhibitionism with the launch of the annual Cam ’n’ Cum contest, where the site’s users can upload videos of their self-gratification for the chance to win up to $1,000 or a Fleshjack prize pack. And if you’re looking to get the competitive edge, or just want to show off a bit, here are a couple tricks to get your video more views, based on trends from Xtube’s most-watched jerk-off videos.
First, tell everyone you’re 18, 19 or 20 years old. It doesn’t matter if you’re in your mid-30s and already driving around in a shiny red midlife-crisis mobile; everyone wants to jack off to the boy who can’t even buy a beer in the US.
While it’s not my personal preference, trimmed or shaved pubes tend to be de rigueur. You don’t necessarily have to get rid of the carpet (nor should you); a well-maintained lawn shows a certain level of effort and care.
Toys make everything better, so don’t be afraid to use them. When it comes to dildos, the bigger and more creative the object you stick in your ass, the better. Feel free to experiment with produce, although I wouldn’t recommend anything larger than an eggplant without consulting your healthcare provider beforehand. Fleshjacks are great, too, but if you’re going to use one in your video, invest in a Fleshjack Ice; they’re somewhat transparent, so you can still sort of see some cock going in and out.
Proper lighting is essential, especially if you don’t want to look like a serial murder-rapist. Your light source should always face you head on. Avoid lighting from above unless you want to look like an alcoholic, and lighting from below will just make you look like you’re telling campfire ghost stories. Remember: only the Virgin Mary looks good with backlighting.
Webcam masturbation should always be performed in recline. Not lying down, not standing up, but in some form of repose. The best way to do this is to lie down on a flat surface and prop up your upper body with pillows. Doing so will show off your abs, or at the very least, make it look like you have them.
Other than that, you’re on your own. Just remember: a good set of pecs and abs doesn’t guarantee hotness. Jerk with confidence and play to your strengths, and you’ll go far. And if all else fails, follow the wise words of Amy Sedaris: accentuate the positive and medicate the negative.