2 min

Stealth queers

Teasing and feeding the bigot

Credit: Xtra West files

It began in my teens, when I was visiting a couple I barely knew. She was meek and mild and he was loud and expansive, and at some point he began declaiming that he hated all queers. My eyebrows hit my hairline.

“So you wouldn’t hang out with a queer?” I inquired softly, so softly.

Our host ranted on. He’d never let a queer in his house, he said. I pushed my closet door open with a bang. The next 10 seconds of stunned silence were transcendent. Glorious.

Some of the trouble is that I’m a Stealth Queer, a Guerilla Pervert. Femme dykes and butch fags blend into the het crowd in a way that the rest of us queers don’t, and I don’t sport tats or piercings enough to visually brand me a pervert. This gives me the dubious privilege of overhearing firsthand all the asinine comments most pervs have to leave the room to eavesdrop on.

As much as I enjoy speaking in a tender and informative fashion to the non-kinky, non-queer public, sometimes I slip up-or act up. Faced with a wall of close-minded bigotry, it’s my delight to bring out the metaphorical rainbow spraypaint.

Pardon my unholy joy and puncturing preconceptions, your Honour, but it was a clear-cut case of self-defence: his complacency vs my sanity. Why, he sat right there and told me he’d never allow a leather pervert freak into his place of business, because of the filthy money he’d then have to handle.

“Hey, buddy, got change for a fiver? Yeah? Thanks. By the way: Gotcha.”

Ten seconds of silence.

I take any opportunity to come out, even with road directions.

“… And then go straight after the stop sign, li’l lady.”

“Straight? Honey, I’ll never be straight again.”

Ten seconds.

You’d never trust a sadomasochist to be a teacher? Well, gee. You’ve known me for years, and I’m kinky. Are you telling me that I’d be molesting your children right now if I had the chance?

Ten seconds.

Homosexuals are evil? Goodness, why do you think that? How many queers do you know firsthand? None? Oops, you’re wrong (pointing at self)! Now, what were you saying about us folks?

Mmm. Shutting up the bigots, 10 seconds at a time. Got to start somewhere.

Advice to other stealth queers: Timing is important. You want people to think, but you don’t want killer rage. There are some violent people who can’t be reasoned with, only bitch-slapped … I mean, reported to the police. And finally, bigots in groups, like packs of huskies, are intractable. Carry dog repellent.