By now, you’ve probably heard that a Catholic high school in Mississauga banned rainbows because rainbows are for gays, and, as we all know, Jesus hates them thar hao-mao-sehk-shulls. Seriously, it’s right there in the Bible. I’m pretty sure it’s in the book of Larry the Cable Guy, right after the passage where Jesus rides a T rex to a NASCAR event.
Anyway, my writing thrives off the sheer, unrelenting stupidity of people with unwarranted self-importance, and, clearly, the Dufferin-Peel Catholic school board is just a never-ending fountain of it. So, I must mock them now. Here are the 10 completely innocent, heterosexual things now banned at St Joseph’s because people are stupid:
#1: All movies filmed in colour. What was wrong with black and white anyway? Now it’s all covered in the faggotry of colour! THEY’RE TAKING OVER HOLLYWOOD AND DESTROYING NORTH AMERICA!
#2: Mario Kart. Did you know they made an entire road out of rainbows? How dare they try to indoctrinate our kids using go-kart-driving cartoon characters zipping around in space!
#3: Johnny Cash’s Rainbow album. Sure, he may have been the man in black, but if that one album is any indication, he was probably more like the man in CRACK! Thank you, I’ll be here all week. (Note: the ban also applies to Mariah Carey, Neil Diamond and Dolly Parton.)
#4: Rainbow Brite. What better way to turn kids gay than with a 20-year-old show that no one remembers?
#5: Rainbow trout. Delicious, but fabulously deadly to your morality. Truly, they are the drag queens of the sea.
#6: Rainbow Dash (from My Little Pony Friendship is Magic). Sure, on the surface, MLPFiM (seriously, would it kill them to add a colon in there somewhere?) is just a cute kid’s show about love and tolerance, but, as we all know, only gays are capable of love and tolerance. Also, she’s a girl who likes sports, so obviously she’s a lesbian pony.
#7: Anything to do with Marvel’s Thor. Most people would look at Thor and think, “Hmmmm, what a man’s man he is.” But little do they know, Thor travels between the worlds using… GASP, a rainbow bridge! (*Insert dramatic musical sting here*) My God, that might even be worse than the rainbow road Mario keeps driving around on!
#8: Leprechauns. At first, you’d probably ask yourself why anyone would want to ban jolly Irish little people from a school. They’re harmless! Then you remember that they hide their pots of gold at the ends of rainbows. Obviously, they can’t be trusted.
#9: Any mention of Noah’s Ark. What’s that you say? This is a story in the Bible, so it can’t be banned from a Catholic high school? Well, you have a point, but remember: when Noah finally reached land, God created a rainbow as a promise that he would never again kill everything on Earth with a flood. And as we all know, rainbows = GAY. Therefore, you have to ban every book that mentions God’s super-gay rainbow (ie the Bible).
#10: Water and light. As we all know, rainbows are formed by light passing through tiny water droplets, which creates the colour spectrum. So, to make sure rainbows never set foot in St Joseph’s ever again, we must ban what creates rainbows: water and light. From now on, all classes will take place in absolute darkness, and nothing containing any H2O will be permitted in the school.
What’s that? Everything in the world contains some water, which makes this entire policy a crock-of-shit security blanket that the school is using to convince itself that gay people don’t exist provided that it ignores them. Well golly, that can’t be the case because it would take a supremely stupid, narrow-minded and shortsighted mind to come up with that, right? Right?!