Blogs & Columns
2 min

Thank you, Renato Seabra, for creating the greatest trend of 2012: testicle bracelets

Twenty-one-year-old Renato Seabra is an alleged murderer, aspiring model and above all else, a trendsetter. All the golddiggers covet the way his sugar daddy's testicles dangle ever so elegantly from his wrists. Only a novice wants his sugar daddy's goods in the palm of his hand! A true trailblazer isn't afraid to be different.

If you're wondering why Seabra decided to wear a 65-year-old man's balls hanging from his wrists, you probably haven't heard about their magical powers yet. According to Seabra, the testicles gave him the power to get rid of his homosexuality and cure strangers on the street of HIV. That's right, he was running all around New York City touching random people with Castro's saggy scrotum and healing them of disease. (I'm sure he's accepting thank-you cards in prison.)

This is the story I'm going to tell the designer children I have one day when they ask me why I make them wash their hands every five minutes.

Seabra, who is from Portugal, started his relationship with Castro, a journalist and LGBT activist, in 2010. They did the things that everyone in a boy-toy/sugar daddy relationship does: ate at fancy restaurants, shopped and dropped off headshots at modelling agencies. Sigh. I really miss my ex!

When Seabra started seeing girls and told Castro he was no longer gay, they fought, and Castro ended their relationship. Defence attorney Rubin Sinins claims that what happened next — the brutal beating and castration with a corkscrew that led to Castro's death, and the invention of this season's must-have bracelet "jewels" — are the result of the model going insane from the "torture" he endured having a relationship with an older man.

Assistant district attorney Maxine Rosenthal, on the other hand, paints a very different picture. While addressing the New York court, she called Seabra a golddigger who "wanted to pursue a career in modelling. He wanted to be famous and make money. He also wanted nice things — clothes, electronics, gifts for his family. He wanted to eat in nice restaurants. When Carlos Castro showed up in Renato Seabra's life, he saw a means to an end and he got on board. He knew he was beating, stomping and mutilating Carlos Castro. And he knew it was wrong."

Personally, I'm undecided on whether Seabra is crazy or not. I'd need to see what shoes he matched with those bracelets first . . .