Toronto Diary
3 min

The 10 kinds of gay Twitter accounts

#1: Your friends

Who they are: The only reason someone isn’t on Twitter at this point is because they think it’s either a stupid trend or the government’s way of tracking their location. (Hint: If they’re wearing tinfoil hats, it’s probably the latter.) Chances are, you have a few friends or fuckbuddies you know in real life who are on Twitter. 

Should you follow: Yes. They’re your friends for God’s sake. Your real friends. What kind of heartless bastard doesn’t follow his real friends?

#2: Celebrities

Who they are: Famous gays. They are the gay men and women you so desperately want to be, but sadly cannot. Now you can live vicariously through them or insult them on the internet. The choice is yours.

Should you follow: Some of them. If you’re on Twitter now and you’re not following @GeorgeTakei, you do not deserve nice things. 

#3: Pornstars

Who they are: Twitter is the new meeting ground for the gay porn elite. Chances are your favourite pornstar is already on Twitter right now and gets more new followers in one day than the average person will get in a year.

Should you follow: Depends. While some are funny, interesting and post naked pictures, others (and I won’t name names) are boring, irritating and will retweet literally anything you say about them. Follow the former, ignore the latter.

#4: Bloggers

Who they are: As bloggers, we try to bring you all the news you need at a moment’s notice. What better way to find out about a recent break in the latest gay legal battle than by reading between 140-character messages about other people’s bowel movements?

Should you follow: Yes. Follow @xtra_canada. Preferably now. Every time we get a new follower, a puppy smiles.

#5: Little Monsters

Who they are: Lady Gaga fans. If they have a picture of Lady Gaga as their avatar, and they tweet nothing but faux-artistic gibberish, chances are they’re a Little Monster.

Should you follow: NO. Run as far away as you can, unless you have a high tolerance for fanatical obsession and a complete lack of self-awareness.

#6: Clubbers

Who they are: You know, those people at clubs who shout “WooOOOOOoooo!” and drink for no reason, dance like assholes and then stay way past closing? They’re on the internet now.

Should you follow: While it’s fun to watch a car crash happen from the safety of your own home, be warned: it is very easy to become ensnared in a clubber’s craziness. One minute you’re checking up on Twitter, the next you’re jamming a needle full of adrenaline through a junkie’s heart Pulp Fiction-style.

#7: Flashers

Who they are: People who think that just because they can show their genitals on the internet they must make sure that every last living person with vision sees their schlong.

Should you follow: Are they hot? Then YES, you fucking loon. That’s a free slice of hot man-meat you’re talking about. DO NOT SAY NO.

#8: Comedians

Who they are: Random gay guys you don’t really know, are funny as hell and don’t sound like joke-a-day assholes.

Should you follow: If they actually seem human, go right ahead. If they’re little more than a constant bombardment of one-liners, take a pass. Your friends will just retweet them anyway, so it’s basically the same deal.

#9: Drama queens

Who they are: There is always that one guy who feels the need to bemoan every sling and arrow of outrageous misfortune that life throws his way. While these people firmly believe they live in their own personal soap opera, they’re really just dickholes who keep whining about shit.

Should you follow: No. You’re just going to get a whole bunch of “woe is me” crap with the occasional random jab at imaginary people who they feel have slighted them in some way.

#10: The sane people

Who they are: The internet has this wonderful ability to bring out people’s crazy. Something about the mix of anonymity and the promise of a receptive audience causes an unleashing of the id. But not for this guy! He is the last completely sane person on the internet.

Should you follow: Fuck, if you can find one single 100-percent-sane person on Twitter, be my guest. 

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