Blogs & Columns
1 min

The children are safe! Pope Benedict XVI is over and out

I was raised Catholic, and although I haven’t been a follower of Pope Benedict XVI, I have to admit, now that he’s resigned, I’m going to miss the creepy old bastard. Reporting on all the crazy shit he’s said about “threat to the future of humanity” homosexuals has always been a source of joy for me. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like, on most good TV shows, there are good and evil characters. Well, in this TV show called life, Pope Benedict is my favourite evil character. He’s the best villain because of the seamless way he uses the best hero, Jesus, as a cover for his malevolence. You gotta give him props for deception! 

The pope has announced that he is stepping down from his position, the first time a Catholic leader has voluntarily resigned since Pope Celestine V, who quit in 1294 after five months because he couldn’t handle the demands of his post.

I’m sure fucking all those children gets mighty exhausting! 

"After having repeatedly examined my conscience before God,” [pause for laugher], “I have come to the certainty that my strengths, due to an advanced age, are no longer suited to an adequate exercise of the Petrine ministry,” Pope Benedict said. He continued, explaining that his health “has deteriorated in me to the extent that I have had to recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me."

Right, because it’s your weak ol’ bones that make you inadequate, not that whole mass pedophilia cover-up . . .

Well, bye bye Pope Bentdick XVI666. I actually will miss you, because as a good little Catholic boy [pause for laughter] I have always looked up to you like one would a crazy and senile grandfather who offended more than he inspired, and who at the very least, was always good for a laugh.

So, it’s the end of an era, but don’t fret — he’ll have us all giggling in hell before we know it! 

Bookmark and Share