Toronto Diary
6 min

The Drag Race RuCap: brought to you by Xtra!

Happy Anna Howard Shaw Day, everyone! As we celebrate a day tailor-made for selling shit, let’s dive into another episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, where fittingly enough, the queens are tasked with putting together ads for RuPaul’s hit albums, Champion and Glamazon (available on iTunes!). Let’s take a look at the shit that worked and the shit that shitted.

The girls return to the workroom, now devoid of the incredible seamstress that was LaZzzauwn Bewhogivesafuck. Latrice Royale mourns for the loss of her girl temporarily, reminding us that if the girls “don’t mind their Ps and Qs, they’ll be Xd.” Oh, Latrice, everything that comes out of your mouth is solid fucking gold. And while The Princess wipes Lawhatever’s makeup off the mirror, we once again get to listen to the girls talk about how Jiggly should have gone home. Did I mention nobody likes Jiggly? Because nobody likes Jiggly.

But before we can go on further as to why nobody likes Jiggly — and really, we can go on foreeeeeeeeever — Oooo girl, you got SheMail! Lady RuPaul appears onscreen and namedrops a bunch of her songs before reminding us they’re all available on iTunes (feel free to take a shot whenever she mentions that. Nothing above 40 percent alcohol or you will go blind). Boy Ru walks in and announces the mini-challenge. I should warn you now, you may want to grab some Kleenex because this section may make you “get something in your eye.” Not me though, because I had my tear ducts surgically removed two years ago . . . *sniff*

The queens are tasked with creating a butterfly headpiece for one of Ru’s biggest fans, Piyah Martell, a super sweet diva born with caudal regression syndrome, a condition that prevented her legs from ever growing. The queens are definitely touched and thus pair off to create the headpiece for the Drag Race sweetheart. Of course, Jiggly is the odd girl out, so she ends up in a team of three with Kenya Michaels and That Bitch Phi Phi. Once again: Jiggly is Forever Alone.

Latrice and Milan create a sort of party-hat-looking thing that can’t even stay on the head, so it ends up falling on the ground and looking exactly like an ice cream cone somebody dropped. Sharon Needles and Madame LaQueer turn out a sparkly pink fascinator; Chad Michaels and Willam debut a butterfly headband; Dida and The Princess come up with pretty much a carbon copy of the previous piece; and team of three creates a massive butterfly bow. Naturally, the giant bow wins because giant bows always win. ALWAYS.

Piyah is carried out by the hunky pit crew, and boy Ru announces the main challenge: the girls have to split into two teams, and each one must shoot an infomercial for either of Ru’s latest CDs, Champion or Glamazon. Kenya and That Bitch Phi Phi get to be team champions, while Jiggly gets the shaft because she’s Jiggly. Kenya is captain of Team Glamazon and picks Chad, Willam, Milan, The Princess and Madame last (and doesn’t even give her a high five! That shady bitch!) and That Bitch Phi Phi must sell Champion and gets Sharon, Latrice, Dida and Jiggly.

Right off the bat, That Bitch Phi Phi is freaking out over everything they have to do, including costumes, choreography, lip-syncing, scripting… So yeah, this is gonna end super well for her. I would feel bad for her if she wasn’t always being such a total bitch and pigeonholing Sharon as the goth queen, so my sympathies are severely limited. On team Glamazon, Milan takes over for Kenya as team leader. Milan claims it’s because of Kenya’s “language barrier,” but the reality is Milan just loves being the centre of attention. Sadly for Milan, the girl is in a weird place where she’s simultaneously starved for attention yet has no real personality.

It’s call time on set, and the girls take to the green screen. But not before we get a shot of the pit crew oiling each other up . . . just rubbing their muscular bodies together . . . I’ll be in my bunk.

Where was I? Ah, yes, the challenge. Team Glamazon gets off to a rocky start, as The Princess can’t remember any of her lines and the bits she can remember come out so wooden, you could nail Jesus to ‘em. Willam apparently gets high off sniffing the hairy pit-crew member, who shall henceforth be known as my imaginary boyfriend, astronaut Mike Dexter, and then starts dancing all crazy-like. Milan quotes Whitney for her bit, and despite how timely that seems now, it’s a cardinal sin to quote another artist when pimping Ru’s wears, prompting one of the greatest looks of rage I have ever seen from RuPaul.

Next up, we have Team Champion. That Bitch Phi Phi decides the best way to sell the album is by turning into a drunk, pinata-fucking chola girl, and Jiggly turns into a kimono-clad Asian girl. Think of Manila’s Asian reporter character from last season’s QNN challenge, only without anything funny. Sharon, having been given the order to rock the gothic chic by That Bitch Phi Phi, gives her best lady-of-the-night performance, turning water into wine. Dida uses an apple pie sexual innuendo to sell the CD, which is ironic because Dida delivers her lines with all the sexiness of a doctor telling you he botched your vasectomy and had to surgically remove your testes.

On the mainstage, the girls have to come out in their best platinum and gold looks, but of course, Ru steals the show with the most gorgeous hooded silver dress. Normally, Ru rocks the afro and gown look, so the hood and spitcurl are a welcome new look, and I’m absolutely in love with it. Natalie Cole and Amber Riley are invited onto the panel with Michelle Visage and Santino Rice.

Milan comes out in a giant afro and gold lamé MC Hammer pants, which works despite every part of me screaming that it shouldn’t. Chad wears a full-body gold dress that shimmers rainbows, with a dab of gold facepaint on her forehead. Willam throws on a revealing gold chain number with the most awesome spikey shoulder piece ever but accidentally forgot her eyebrows in the workroom, so her forehead puts Christina Ricci to shame. Sharon has the look of the night with a studded silver-and-gold leather jacket that I want to rip off her body and steal for myself. That Bitch Phi Phi comes out in a waistless silver quinceañera dress and big hair that reminds me of Alexis Matteo on a week where she was lip-synching for her life. Madame wears a silver spaceage bodysuit. The Princess comes out in more or less the same outfit as Ru, which is the BIGGEST FUCKING RED FLAG EVER. Jiggly wears a one-sleeved cocktail dress with a fro-hawk. Dida comes out in another leggy ensemble and finally manages to find a wig that actually works for her. Latrice stuns in a gold cocktail dress that shows off her gams. And finally, Kenya turns out a spacey cocktail dress.

Chad Michaels, Kenya Michaels and Sharon Needles all get top honours for really selling their albums, while Madame, Dida and The Princess are relegated to the bottom three. Madame is chastized for being completely incomprehensible; Dida is taken down a peg for having all the sex appeal of a castration; and The Princess is called out for being wooden and not knowing any of her lines.

Ultimately, Sharon is declared the winner for her performance, despite calling out Phi Phi for being a terrible leader. Madame is given a second chance, which means Dida and The Princess are forced to lip-sync to Natalie Cole’s “This Will Be.” And I have to give Dida credit on this one: she might have some jacked wigs, but when push comes to shove, she can bounce back with a powerful lip-sync number.

And thus we bid adieu to The Princess. As much as I loved her, she just didn’t have the Nerve part of RuPaul’s patented Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent criteria. I mean hell, how can you be America’s best drag queen when you’re only a Princess? As much as I love her, it was time for her to Sashay Away. 

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