Toronto Diary
7 min

The Drag Race RuCap: jailbait queens

Yes, it's that time again. But first, a big congratulations to Devine Darlin for winning Toronto Drag Superstar last night and winning a trip to the RuPaul's finale party in NYC! And now, let's get into another episode of the greatest show to ever duct tape its penis to its taint, as this week's challenge has the queens acting in a prison-based sitcom. Let's take a look at the shit that worked and the shit that Shatnered.

Once again, the queens march back into the workroom to find the departing words of the last eliminated queen — in this case, The Princess — scrawled onto their mirror in lipstick. This provides Sharon Needles with an opportunity to reference Toad's "The Princess is in another castle" line from Super Mario Bros. As a child who grew up on SMB and had to deal with that line way more often then he'd care to admit, I loved this. Dida Ritz wipes off the message, since she was the one who sent Princess home, while Sharon answers questions about how she's the first queen in the competitions to already take home two wins. Of course, That Bitch Phi Phi is livid because That Bitch Phi Phi is a bitch. You know, in case my name for her didn't tip you off.

But before That Bitch Phi Phi can claw out Sharon's eyes with those dirty, jagged-looking talons of hers, ooooo girl! You got SheMail! (I will never get tired of this. Ever.) Lady Ru name-drops a bunch of sitcoms, which obviously means we're doing sitcom acting this week, the next logical step from last season's newscast challenge. In walks boy Ru to let the girls know they're all arrested. Naturally, they cut to Latrice since she's the only one who's ever really been to prison, and guess who's not liking this one bit?

For the mini-challenge, the girls have to pose for their mugshots and will have to work in pairs to pull off their best "guess who just got caught with half a kilo of coke up their ass?" looks. Why pairs? Because the queens are responsible for painting their partner's faces. Kenya Michaels, who's teamed up with That Bitch Phi Phi, practically shrieks, while the team of Madame LaQueer and Willam look like they just mistook a bottle of DranO for Kool-Aid. Oh, and they'll be handcuffed to each other, too, because why not make this even more awkward? But at least the queens get to be cuffed by the pit crew, which is fantasy #4,381 in my book of "Ways I Need to Get Fucked Before I Die."

Willam and Madame decide to throw blue paint on their faces, so I'm guessing their crime involves some sort of man-on-smurf sex wrongness. But no! It turns out they robbed a bank and that blue shit is just a dye-pack, rather than the hypothesized smurf cum. My mistake. Sharon and Chad Michaels, the two best makeup artists out of the cast, come in with some hillbilly brawl chic. Jiggly Caliente and Dida just sort of look like themselves being arrested, which is . . . honestly, kind of lame. Kenya and That Bitch Phi Phi also look like they always do, in that they both look like men in wigs who got punched in the face. Milan and Latrice, meanwhile, go all Faces of Meth in what is probably my favourite look of the challenge.

Willam and Madame win it anyway, despite the earlier confusion, and get to pick the teams for their challenge: to act in a fake sitcom about a group of friends who keep getting arrested. Except they don't actually get to "pick" teams so much as they get to draw names out of a shoebox, which basically means their prize amounts to them becoming fate's bitches. Oh Ru, you dadaist trickster, you! Oh well, at least Madame seems happy she isn't getting picked last again. Anyway, Willam gets Jiggly, Latrice, Chad and That Bitch Phi Phi, while Madame gets Sharon, Kenya, Dida and Milan.

Madame volleys the first round of shade at Kenya, giving her the role of the prison guard. From the perspective of visual comedy, that makes sense, but when you realize that Kenya speaks English like she was taught ESL by dolphins, it turns into trainwreck potential. Meanwhile, Milan is once again trying to wrest control of the group from the leader and turn it into The Milan Show. She's basically Rachel Berry, but without the vocal chops for the personality.

On Team Willam, Latrice claims the role of the prison guard for herself, and honestly, I can't blame her. She's large and in charge, and having already been in prison, I can't blame her for not wanting to go back. Do your thing, Latrice. Jiggly, despite having personality out the ass, isn't great with line reading, so Willam (as the token actor) has to come in and teach her how to read for comedic effect. On the plus side, Madame isn't much better at line reading, throwing on an English accent that would make even Madonna roll her eyes. Boy Ru walks in to check on the progress, and once again Willam reminds us all that she was on Sex and the City. You can almost here the "thump!" as she lands another blow to that dead horse. 

Team Willam is up first, and has to do a scene that involves the girls shoving handfuls of peanuts into their mouths. Also, That Bitch Phi Phi is wearing a giant peanut costume, and is still a bitch. Guest judge and scene director Max Mutchnick accidentally calls Willam "William," which leads to a lot of backtalk from Willam. Sorry, doll, but you're kind of raising the red flag on yourself here. Latrice, on the other hand, is really nailing it here, and I'm absolutely living for the sass and ass she's serving me. Honestly, if they gave Latrice her own show, I would Netflix the fuck out of it.

On Team Madame, Sharon is having some trouble with her lines and is giving some backtalk, while Kenya delivers every dialogue like the gerbil up her ass is trying to claw its way out. And when Milan tries to overact every word she's given, Max Mutchnick finally speaks some truth to power, in that Milan is trying way too hard to put herself in the spotlight, but she doesn't actually have anything going for her. She's like an empty pinata: very loud and noticable, but under the colourful little ruffles there isn't really anything there. Surprisingly, Dida is killing it right now, finally showing some chutzpah after last week's misstep.

In the work room on day two, Latrice leads the queens in some downhome churchy goodness, with what is arguably the greatest hymn ever: Jesus is a biscuit! Let him sop you up! I need your babies inside me, Latrice. As the girls prepare, Sharon confronts That Bitch Phi Phi over what she said about That Bitch on last week's runway, and TBPP flips out and tells her to "go back to Party City where you belong!" Everyone sort of just sits and stews in the juices of shadiness that have filled the workroom before Jesus the Magical Sky Biscuit soaks it all up with another round of gospel. Praise Jesus! 

But now it's on to the mainstage, with judges RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Billy B, Nicole Sullivan and Max Mutchnick, and the category is: Hollywood premiere! That Bitch Phi Phi comes out in yet another Alexis Mateo knockoff. Latrice Royale wears a sparkly, royal-blue gown that I'm dying over. Dida Ritz wears another leggy cocktail dress, which . . . does not bode well for her winning, let's just put it that way. Madame walks the runway in a neon-green dress with an ugly-ass bow on the shoulder. Willam wears a blue Vivienne Westwood dress that's nice, but you can tell she really only bought it for the name. Kenya works a weird, floral-looking thing that just looks awkward and lop-sided. Chad comes out in a dress and wig that suggests that if she ever tires of impersonating Cher, she could probably do a mean Florence Welch. Jiggly is also channelling a celebrity for her look: Solange Knowles. Milan comes out in a gold dress that I feel would have been better suited to last week's runway criteria. Sharon comes out in a campy number that brings to mind Pandora Boxx, which makes me love her all the more.

Now we get to see the edited sitcoms that the girls came up with. Team Willam wins the challenge, probably riding high off Latrice's stellar performance. So Latrice wins and grabs herself a cruise from Al and Chuck. They get to leave the stage while Team Madame is put on the chopping block. Milan is chastised for being too boring, and Madame is taken down for being incomprehensible. Dida is praised for her performance but is told to work on her hair. Sharon, meanwhile, is told to work on how she takes criticism, although to be fair, that's just her look. I dig it, but not everyone will.

Can you tell who's going home yet? Just feign ignorance for a little longer.

Madame and Milan are dropped into the bottom two, while Sharon apologizes for not being able to take directions. Hopefully, she learns from this, because I love her and I want her to go far. Anyway, Madame and Milan have to lip-sync to Pink's trouble, and . . . Yeesh. Maybe it's just the fact that we're coming off the heels of Dida's killer performance last week, but this is just hokey. I half expected one of those old-timey hooks to come from stage left and pull them both off. It was really just painful to watch them. It looks like a fucking exorcism is what I'm saying.

Personally, if I had my druthers I would have sent them both home, but Milan is chatayed you stayed while Madame is sashayed awayed. Oh, Madame . . . you had a lot of promise, but you overstepped Camp Funtimes and drove straight into Hammyville, population you. Oh well, you'll always have a stage out there to pee on and do flip-flaps on.

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