Oh holy shit, if you haven’t seen the new episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race yet, prepare thyself, because tonight was nothing if not a complete and total dadaist mindfuck extravaganza. This week, the final three starred in RuPaul’s new video for her single, Glamazon. Let’s take a look at the shit that worked and the shat that will be announced next week.
Yes, say hello to your final three: Sharon Needles, Chad Michaels, and the no-seriously-how-did-she-get-here That Bitch Phi Phi. I know, I know, I should stop calling her that because she did manage to make it all the way to the top 3, but hell, Tyra Sanchez actually won back in season 2, and she was the biggest bitch of them all.
Now that it’s down to the three of them, respect is starting to give way to full-on friendship. Chad and Sharon have always been friends, but That Bitch Phi Phi has spent the entire season gunning for the two of them. That being said, as the reality that the show is ending and one of them will be crowned the winner draws ever closer, the girls decide to try and mend some broken bridges, as Sharon expresses her love for Phi Phi. Phi Phi, on the other hand, cares only enough to make a half-assed heart with her hands. What a sweetie.
But oooo, girl! You got SheMail! THE FINAL SHEMAIL! RuPaul congratulates the queens on surviving every challenge and last-minute chore she’s thrown their way, and yadda yadda yadda who cares. Everyone knows that the final challenge is always a music video shoot for RuPaul’s latest single, and since this season it happens to be Glamazon, I’m shitting rainbows. No, seriously, I don’t do dance music, but you NEED to pick up Glamazon right now. It’s kind of amazing.
Anyway, the first step for the girls is to learn their choreography from Candis Cayne. Some of you might remember her from Dirty Sexy Money, but most of you probably don’t remember her at all. Anyway, the choreography for the video is basically just stomping, turning, walking, and then some more stomping. I’m pretty sure she stole the footwork from Seabiscuit. Anyway, Sharon is kind of flubbing it, since choreography isn’t exactly her forte. And worse: That Bitch Phi Phi is kind of killing it.
And it doesn’t get any better; as the queens move onto the actual Godzilla-inspired video shoot, Sharon isn’t faring any better. Christ, what are the odds the fan favorite would be undone by her one Achilles Heel at the very last minute? That would be like watching Lance Armstrong face plant in front of the finish line at the Tour de France. Chad is holding her own, so at least we have a safety net for us, but That Bitch Phi Phi will not take this minor inconvenience lying down!
Back in the work room, the girls take off their Lady Ghidorah outfits and find a message on the mirror, calling them into the bathroom for a mystery meeting. Who could it be? Personally, my bet is on Klymaxxx. The girls go into the bathroom and come face to face with Tyra Sanchez and Raja, the winners from season 2 and 3! Although you sure as hell wouldn’t be able to tell from their looks because… Jesus. What in the hell, ladies? Anyway, Tyra and Raja tell the final three that they’re scheduled to have a Tic-Tac dinner with RuPaul herself. Yeah, kind of par for the course, but who cares?
One by one, the girls have their sit down with Ru and confront the one thing that’s been holding them back this whole time. For Chad, it’s the fact that he’s become guarded ever since his Dad left him and his mom for another family. For Sharon, it’s the fact that she feels guilty for being more successful than her boyfriend, Alaska, and fears that a win would only make Alaska resent her. And for Phi Phi, it’s how emotionally and abusive her father war. Hopefully, this is one of those teachable moments that will help the girls drop their lesser qualities, and if not, at least they got some Tic-Tacs out of the deal.
But fuck it, onto part two of the video shoot! The girls are going to have to do their best actressin’ with RuPaul, in a gut-punching, bitch-kicking scene. Chad is up first, but unfortunately she’s not exactly great at taking a stage slap. Seriously, you could bake a pie in the amount of time it takes for Chad to react to Ru’s slap. Sharon thankfully manages to make up for her piss-poor stomping by being the best at taking a fake punch and That Bitch Phi Phi once again fails to understand subtlety and nuance. After throwing a wrench that nearly pegs RuPaul in the head, That Bitch Phi Phi follows it up by laying on the Disney Princess schtick as thick as humanely possible. So Sharon wins this round.
And now onto the mainstage. THE FINAL MAINSTAGE! Yeah, I’m getting tired of that too. I kind of just want them to skip straight to the winner and bypass all the pomp and circumstance. But I’m impatient like that. Anyway, RuPaul walks down the runway for the last time, dressed in some sort of ladybug/bee/Joan Crawford get up. Don’t question it, just go with it.
But how do the girls look you ask? Ehhhhhhh . . . So-so. Chad Michaels’ S&M swimsuit, paired with the black-and-gold string shoulders is a good look, but nothing breath-taking. Sharon stays true to her spooky-look by coming out in big, frazzled hair, a grey dress, black tights, and tentacle finger nails. It’s not my favorite look, especially for a final mainstage, but there’s something about the Cthulhu-Chic nails, as well as Sharon’s personality, that pulls it together. And That Bitch Phi Phi comes out in a pink leopard print swimsuit and make-up that makes her look a hundred years old. I like to call it “The Real Housewives of Bedrock” realness.
So who’s the front-runner here? Well, there isn’t one. Unlike past seasons, where the final three consisted of two front-runners and one charity case, all three queens have an equal shot at the title. Chad is the seasoned professional, Sharon is the beloved outsider, and That Bitch Phi Phi is the up-and-commer. Fact of the matter is, if you rule out personality, any of the queens can easily win this.
RuPaul probably realized this, so she’s decided that for the first time ever, all three queens will stay to lip sync for the win. TWIST! Chad, Sharon and Phi Phi will all have to perform RuPaul’s Glamazon for the win, marking the first time three queens have ever lip synced at the same time. And you know what? It actually goes pretty well. Chad works the stage well, but Sharon outshines her by serving Ursula chic, crawling down the runway with her tentacle-tipped fingernails. Oh, and Phi Phi is there too I guess, but it’s basically just a redux of her lip sync against Sharon, complete with hilariously awful death drops.
After the girls are done, RuPaul composes herself and announces that the winner is . . .
HA! Just fucking with you. The winner wasn’t announced at all. RuPaul instead decides to let the fans vote on Facebook and Twitter before announcing the winner during the reunion next week. I’ve talked in the past about Ru’s streak of dadaist trickery, but this is just PERFECT. See you next week, bitches. Unless Ru pulls the plug at the last minute.