9pm – Since tonight is the grand finale of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5, I've decided to do it live. FUCK IT, WE'RE DOING IT LIVE. The queens are all reunited, and the dress code is . . . red? I think? Yeah, they really didn't try that hard to enforce a dress code.
9:03 – Can we discuss Detox's greyscale look? Because Jesus H Tabernacle, that's cool. Less cool? The choreography. I've seen livelier dance moves from Stephen Hawking.
9:08 – "I'm sick and twisted and I'm not gonna take it anymore." Literally everyone in the room shouted that. RuPaul may or may not be a cult leader. Do not drink the Absolut Kool-Aid.
9:12 – Oh, Penny . . . You got one good read on Serena ChaCha, but honestly, that's like reading a pop-up book. Actually, on the subject of Serena: what the fuck is suff sculpture? Is that really a thing?
9:16 – Monica Beverly Hillz (WHO WAS ROBBED, BY THE WAY) goes on the record to remind everyone what drag and trans are and to announce that she got signed as a face model. See? She DOES give good face.
9:18 – Oh look, Vivienne Pinay and Honey Mahogany are here. Yeah, I don't care either. I'm just going to drink here. Big ups to Raspberry Sour Puss!
9:20 – Lineysha Sparx is brought to you with subtitles. Everything she says roughly translates to "DERP."
9:23 – RuPaul actually had to put together a herstory lesson because apparently, there are like five gay guys (probably the twinks) who don't know who Cher is.
9:26 – Oh Jesus Fuck Shitters, Ivy Winters needs to speak up because I can't hear her over Jade Jolie's dress. Fuck it, where's my vodka? I am too sober for this shit.
9:28 – IVEEEEEEEEEE WINTERRRRRRRRRRS! The only person who can't seem to say it properly is Latoya Jackson, who apparently coined the phrase. Also, quick question here, but is Latoya Jackson a cat? I want to scratch her butt and scoop her poop out of a sandbox.
9:30 – Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese need to fuck already. It would be fucking gross, but they just . . . They need to fuck. Or at the very least play Hide the Double-Headed Dildo. I shouldn't have said that out loud.
9:32 – Ah crap, now Paula Abdul is here. It's like a reunion of everyone my dad jacked off to in the '80s. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THESE THINGS?!
9:36 – We're having a rundown of all the worst dresses from RuPaul's Drag Race. Honestly? Nope, sorry, Alyssa still dresses like JonBenét Ramsey. Hey look, it's Santino! Hey girl! I've had a crush on him since All-Stars, so everyone jumping on the bandwagon can get the fuck in line.
9:38 – Detox's greyscale is freaking my shit out now. Someone needs to weigh her against a duck, because that's fucking witchcraft.
9:40 – PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER OH GOD THE SEVENTH SEAL! IT HAS BEEN BROKEN! AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!
9:44 – For those of you wondering: Jinkx and Ivy never fucked. Jivy will never be. But I don't care, I'd do 'em both. It's the Sour Puss glasses talking.
9:47 – Alyssa would have you believe she's nine inches. She is a liar. You are a fucking liar, Alyssa. YOU SHUT YOUR LIE HOLE THIS INSTANT.
9:48 – Thank god, here's Latrice to show these stupid bitches how it's done. Oh, and Ivy won Miss Congeniality. Yay, I guess!
9:52 – RuPaul just said chicken pot pie. Oh god, I want a chicken pot pie now. OH HEY JINKX MONSOON AS LITTLE EDIE!
9:55 – Tamar Braxton was the girl who shit on the floor in Flavor of Love, right? Oh, shit they're announcing the winner. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.
9:57 – Is it weird that I would watch Sharon Needles's and Alaska's sex tape? They give me the weirdest boner.
10:00 – Are we going for a full hour and a half? I'm okay with this.
10:02 – Awwww, Dave Lara is here! He's adorable. And it's good to see Jinkx's family all back together. This is your one earnest moment of the night. I'll go back to making jokes about my dad jerking it in a bit.
10:06 – Roxxxy finally adresses the fact that she acted like a giganto mega-duper bitch on the show. Eh, honestly she's a lot nicer without the pressure of a title on her shoulders. Which is more than I can say for Phi Phi. Sorry not sorry, bitch.
10:11 – Before we announce the winner, one last dig at Coco. As it should be. Because she's terrible. And also the past winners, because remember Bebe Zahara Benet? That's a lie. No you don't.
10:13 – JINKX MONSOON WINS! YAY! Let's face it, we all knew she was going to win! And Alaska gets runner-up, presumably. You go, Alaska! And nothing for Roxxxy Mandrews. Good night!