[INT: The RuPaul’s Drag Race Werkroom. Enter ALASKA, ROXXXY ANDREWS, JINKX MONSOON and NOT DETOX because her tupperware ass got sent packing last week.]
ROXXXY: Waaaaaaaah, I can’t believe Detox got sent home. Now who am I going to 69 with? I blame you for this, Jinkx, so I’m going to spend the rest of the episode acting like a screaming bitch to you.
JINKX: Oh hey, Roxxxy’s acting like a stupid douche. Is it Monday already? (TO ALASKA) So as the only other contestant with any conceivable shot at winning due to the fan vote, may the best woman win.
ALASKA: Yes, a warm condragulations to the final two! And also a buffalo in a dress. Sorry, Roxxxy.
(A hearty “Ooo girl, you got Shemail!” echoes through the room.)
PRE-RECORDED RUPAUL: Hey girls! Unless you somehow missed the last four seasons of RuPaul’s Drag Race, it should be fairly obvious that this challenge is a shoot for my latest music video. Kinda self-serving, I know, but since I’m the only reason LOGO is still on the air, I could use their interns as livestock and no one would say anything.
(Enter MICHELLE VISAGE and CANDIS CAYNE.)
MICHELLE: I know, I too am amazed I can be this top-heavy and still be able to walk. Anyway, since RuPaul is currently in hair and makeup, Candis Cayne is going to teach you how to hold a chiffon scarf in front of an industrial fan.
CANDIS: Technically, this is considered dancing! Except no it isn’t!
(ALASKA, ROXXXY and JINKX are taught how to make chiffon flow in the wind. An INORDINATE AMOUNT OF TIME is spent on this.)
[INT: CLOSED SET with MATHU ANDERSEN.]
MATHU: Despite the fact that I look like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa, I’m actually the director of this thing. So who wants to spin around on a green screen while a chorus of chipmunk demons scream at you first?
ALASKA: I don’t mean to nitpick here, but the narrative of this video is that we’re in a courtroom, and then we drive a car to heaven, where everyone apparently wears neon tights. I guess what I’m trying to ask is, are you high?
MATHU: It would be more surprising if I wasn’t.
(Everyone goes along with this, politely pretending like THIS MAKES SENSE.)
[INT: COURT ROOM. Because WHY NOT.]
MATHU: Now, all of you need to play three different characters: a prosecutor, a defence attorney and a queen on trial. Your challenge is to create three different characters. Aaaaaaaand, GO!
JINKX: I’m playing a sobbing MILF, a hard-ass defence attorney and Foghorn Leghorn!
ALASKA: I’m playing raspy-voiced crone Cher and a femme fatale!
ROXXXY: I’m playing a bitch, a bitch and Phi Phi O’Hara! Who is also a bitch!
JINKX: What a stretch.
ROXXXY: Watch me attempt a spit-take! (OPENS MOUTH, UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF WATER.) Roxxxy used Hydro Pump!
ALASKA: It wasn’t very effective . . .
[INT: Werkroom. It’s been roughly FIVE MINUTES since Roxxxy had a meltdown, so you know what that means!]
ROXXXY: Neither of you deserve to win, because all your comic abilities are mocking the art of drag!
JINKX: That is — I don’t – I’m sorry, was your mother also technically your aunt or something?
ALASKA: Seriously, Roxxxy, I love you, but you’ve somehow made an argument that I can’t refute, if only because it is DOGBALLS INSANE.
ROXXXY: (Talking-head segment) My mindfuck is working! With Alaska and Jinkx slightly confused, the crown is mine for the taking! There’s no way this could possibly backfire, unless all the viewers who vote for the winner were to see me acting like a vindictive nutjob and turn against me!
(THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS.)
[INT: Runway. Enter RUPAUL in a slight variation on the red dress she always wears.]
RUPAUL: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the final runway! Tonight, we’re going to decide the winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race, Season 5! And by “tonight,” I mean “two weeks from now."
RUPAUL: Nothing. Bring out my girls!
(Enter ROXXXY, in a caped, green-sequined dress, JINKX in a purple princess gown and ALASKA in a white lace dress.)
RUPAUL: All right, girls, the time has come for you to convince me and everyone watching as to why you should win using arguments you came up with during your segment with Gloria Allred. No, I’m not quite sure how we got her, either. Maybe she lost a bet or something.
ROXXXY: Well, remember how during last season’s final three, all the girls had a moment of vulnerability where they apologized for their cattier moments? Well, I didn’t do that. America’s next drag superstar needs to have the conviction to stubbornly stick to her petty impotent rage until the very end!
JINKX: I deserve to win because, statistically speaking, I’ve done better than any other contestant to ever appear on this show. I’m the most well-rounded and have performed consistently well in every challenge. I have a generally positive outlook on life and —
ROXXXY: I’m just gonna butt in here and apologize to Jinkx for things I said. Surely, that vague apology will soften me in the eyes of the judges!
SANTINO: Not even close. Nice try though, Also-Ran.
ALASKA: Since Roxxxy took out Jinkx for me, that leaves me open to actually do what the judges asked for: read the other contestants. Jinkx can’t sew for shit, and Roxxxy is bitchy all the time because she’s the only wooly mammoth left in existence. Give me the crown now please.
RUPAUL: Hmmmmmm . . . Nope, still can’t decide. Maybe if you all lip-synched for your life one last time.
(ALASKA, JINKX, and ROXXXY lip-sync to RuPaul’s “The Beginning.” Jinkx pirouettes, Alaska rolls around on the floor, and Roxxxy twirls around her cape. Somewhere out there, EDNA MODE seethes with rage.)
RUPAUL: Nah, still can’t decide. I guess we’ll just have to wait two weeks for the finale. Until then, you can send me your thoughts on Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, Pinterest, 4Chan, Reddit, Xtube, Squirt, urbanmoms, recon or by carrier pidgeon! Byeeeeeeeee!