Toronto Diary
7 min

The Drag Race RuCap: touch this skin, dahling

Yes, it's Tuesday, and you know what that means: the library is now open! This week, the queens took part in the annual reading mini-challenge and had to become the editors-in-chief of their own magazines. Let's take a look at the shit that worked and the shat that was just an overgrown orangutan.

After three consecutive lip-syncs, the annoyingly bland me-me-me-ness that was Milan has finally moved on to Swiffer someone else's doorstep. However, if you've been keeping up on your Drag Race: Untucked, you know she didn't go softly into that good night: before she left, she whispered to Jiggly Caliente that the other queens were gunning for her to leave. That bit of shade has no doubt been following Jiggly around, as exemplified by the following exchange with Willam today in the workroom:

Willam: (to Jiggly) Do you think you're going to win this competition?

Jiggly: *Open-Mouthed, Dead-Eyed* 

Like Milan's "I don't want to be seen as a drag queen" admission last week, this is like buying your own ticket home. If you want to win Drag Race, you have to actually believe you'll win Drag Race. And speaking of Willam, keep an eye on her today. If last week's episode was a display of Willam using her bitchy Andy Kaufman–style of reality TV stardom to its best, this is her using it to its worse.

But enough of that foreshadowing because oooh, girl! You got SheMail! RuPaul name-drops a bunch of magazines, perhaps a tad too subtley because the references fly right over everyones' heads. So in walks boy Ru to announce the mini-challenge, and for Drag Race fans, this is a doozy: BREAK OUT YOUR LIBRARY CARDS! Yes, the queens have to channel the classic scene from Paris Is Burning and read to each other for filth because reading is what? FUNDAMENTAL. For the sake of brevity, I've condensed each queen to her best line, because that's really all we care about.

Dida Ritz: "Latrice Royale . . . You're free now, you don't have to rock the yard sandals anymore."
Jiggly: "Mama Chad, it's called Forever 21, not Forever 41."
Willam: "Chad Michaels, you so old you still on"
Chad: "*Gives Jiggly a business card* Here's my dentist's card. Use it."
Latrice: "Phi Phi, though reading is fundamental, you may want to learn to spell first, you illiterate fuck."
Sharon Needles: "Jiggly Caliente, you're such a fat slut that after sex, you smoke hams." 

I didn't include That Bitch Phi Phi in any of this because she had no good reads. That Bitch Phi Phi, like most of the other shit-talkers on the show (see: Rebecca Glasscock, Tatianna) can't read because they think it's just a matter of saying bitchy things to people. She has a lot of attitude but no intelligence or sense of humour. The only even remotely good line she got in, when she reheats her Party City slam on Sharon, is immediately thrown back in her face, as Sharon retorts, "That's where you got your Lady Gaga wig" without missing nary a beat. Honestly, if she could just lose that sourpuss attitude and learn to laugh a little, she could actually win this thing.

Anyway, the winner is Latrice Mothafuckin' Royale. Her prize? Well, for the main challenge, the queens are tasked with launching a magazine, which includes designing their cover and coming up with eye-catching articles. As the winner, Latrice decides which queens must do which magazines. The order goes:

Dida Tastes Like Chicken (foodie magazine)
Jiggly Battle of the Bulge (fitness magazine)
Willam Sugar Walls (home décor magazine)
Chad Eleganza (fashion magazine)
Latrice —  What's the T? (gossip magazine) 
Sharon Kitty Cat (cat lovers magazine)
That Bitch Phi PhiSashay Away (travel magazine) 

Right off the bat, Jiggly positions herself right next to the snack table while she puts together her fitness magazine. Red flag count: 2. She then tells the other queens that she's going to be doing her magazine completely straight-laced and serious. Red flag count: 3. The other queens try to point her in the right direction before That Bitch Phi Phi steps in and sabotages her by telling her to go as serious as she possibly can. Red flag count: 4. And you wonder where the nickname "That Bitch Phi Phi" came from?

Dida, meanwhile, decides to climb up on her high horse and decree that, with God as her witness, she shall not eat fried chicken on the cover of her magazine, because that could look potentially offensive! This would seem rational and understandable if the next words immediately out of her mouth weren't (and I shit you not, she actually says this): "Latrice was trying to gook a bitch." Let's tally the score here: black drag queen eating fried chicken = offensive. Saying "gook a bitch" without a single trace of irony = a-okay!

Latrice sums this up perfectly, with her patented 5 Gs Please: "Good God, Get a Grip Girl!"

On to the photoshoot! Dida starts off by throwing on a super-cute blue dress — which is decidedly better than almost all of her main-stage outfits, I must say — and posing rather blandly before whipping out a plate of fried chicken and eating it. Wait, isn't that racist? Oh well. Dida doesn't seem too thrilled about it, either, as she spends a whole minute shouting "CHICKEN?! CHICKEN?! CHICKEN?!" at the screen. Sharon does a little better, serving some Grey Gardens realness while petting a stuffed kitty toy. Jiggly shows up to her photo shoot wearing frumpy, grey clothes and a deflated wig (red flag count: 5) and gives zero energy as she tries to jump rope (red flag count: infinity).

Chad's photoshoot is polished and professional as usual, with Chad wearing a very sophisticated safari-chic dress and bringing out a bedazzled telescope. That Bitch Phi Phi wears a swimsuit that really does look amazing on her, with makeup that looks far more polished than usual. She may be a bitch, but Phi Phi has been improving as the competition goes on, and as I said, if she can learn to stop being such a dick, she could even win it. Latrice wears a black dress and flanks herself on a lounge chair with the pit crew, which makes her look like some sort of Hollywood madame. Willam comes out nude, covering herself with a pillow, and despite photographing really well, her attitude doesn't endear her to her crew.

Back in the workroom, we have a brief respite from the competition as the girls put themselves together for the main stage. A conversation breaks out about gay marriage, and Latrice momentarily sticks her foot in her mouth by saying she doesn't believe in gay marriage. That being said, she disagrees with it only because she wants gay marriage to be called something more fabulous. Sharon swoops in nicely with some levity, saying that she fully supports gay divorce, which prompts Latrice's signature scream-laugh.

Now, on to the main stage with judges RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, Regina King and Pam Tillis. The category is glamour!

First up: Sharon Needles in a black-and-white striped dress that brings to mind the great Pandora Boxx. Dida Ritz comes out in a form-fitting silver dress, with hair that looks very nice but could use a little more volume. Chad tries to dirty herself up a bit by coming out in some rocker-chick chic but still looks immaculately polished. Latrice wears a brown tribal dress that looks a bit too much like a sofa, paired with so much jewellery that one of her bracelets explodes during the judging. Willam's look is very Kylie Minogue, which I adore, but sadly her makeup is still under par when compared to everyone else's. Jiggly wears another prom dress, only this one is yellow with Swarovskis all over it. Different! That Bitch Phi Phi steals the show in a beautifully cut and draped blue cocktail dress, although her makeup makes her look a bit wonk-eyed.

Chad's magazine is criticized for being cheap and busy. Dida's magazine looks perfectly safe and colourful, so she's given a pass. Sharon's is a hit with the judges, as are her pussy puns, but her spooky contacts scare Regina King. Latrice's magazine confuses the judges, who compare it to a club flyer. Willam's magazine is deemed too pornographic, her main-stage performance is too robotic and her makeup is also called into question. When Willam tries to pass the buck on to her crew, Ru calls her on it. Jiggly's magazine is bashed for being grey, boring and serious. Phi Phi's magazine is also well received, having gone for sexy/goofy.

The top three are Sharon, That Bitch Phi Phi and Dida (mostly by process of elimination). That Bitch Phi Phi wins, while Sharon and Dida get to join her in safety. Chad is saved thanks to her main-stage look, and Latrice is granted a pass because, well, everyone loves Latrice. This leaves Jiggly and Willam to lip-sync to Pam Tillis's "La Vida Loca." No, that is not a Ricky Martin cover. Anyway, the lip-sync is underwhelming to say the least. Willam flashes her ass a lot (yay!), while Jiggly's dress is too long for her to really dance at all.

You saw this coming, right? Willam chantay you stays, while Jiggly sashays away. Oh Jiggly . . . She was funny and spunky, but ultimately, she just had too many issues to work through — her weight, her mother, etc — and the baggage not only weighed on her but everyone else in the competition. Hopefully, she can get herself together now that she's out of the spotlight.