Toronto Diary
3 min

The Drag Race Ruview: And all that Chaz

INT: WERKROOM

(The queens enter the werkroom and immediately crack a window to get out all the weed fumes Laganja Estranja left behind.)

Adore: So long, little tree-hugger. Good thing, too; I think I got a contact high working with her last week.

Trinity: Funny, she didn’t affect me at all . . . Does anyone else have the urge to eat an entire bag of Funyuns in one sitting?

(RuPaul enters.)

RuPaul: Did somebody say “gratuitous man butt”?

Bianca: No, but I’ve been trapped in here with these queens for so long, I’d eat one of my lace fronts just to see a testicle.

RuPaul: Good, because here comes a bunch of furry muscle boys with letters on their butts! GUESS WHAT THEIR BUTTS SPELL!

(A bunch of man-candy floods the Werkroom, slowly turning around to reveal letters on the back of their underwear.)

Dela: Ooh! Ooh! I got it. The word of the day is “fan service!”

RuPaul: Hooray! You win . . . something. I don’t really care. Anyway, on to the main challenge! You’re going to be hosting a talk show where you interview Georgia Holt and Chaz Bono. That’s like two generations of Cher right there. Fan service!

INT: CLOSED SET

(The queens sit down for a lovely interview with Cher’s son and mother. What could possibly go wrong?)

Trinity: Hi, Chad! So tell me, Chad, what was it like being on Dancing with the Stars, Chad?

Chaz: Nice try. Next!

Adore: Hey, Cher’s mom, what was it like in the olden days?

Georgia: Well, it was called the Great Depression, so that should tell you everything you need to know.

Adore: Party!

Bianca: Scooch over, sweetums. Let a real star show you how to do this. So, Chaz —

Georgia: I’m here, too.

Bianca: SHUT UP, NOT CHAZ BONO.

Chaz: Next!

Joslyn: So, I’m a huge fan of both of yours, and I’ve seen your documentary and everything. So, how about we talk about abortion?

Georgia: Ehhhhhh, maybe not.

Darienne: Who wants to see a horrible Cher impersonation?

Chaz: Neither of us. Next!

Courtney: It kinda feels like everyone else failed themselves out of the win, so I guess it’s just between Dela and I.

Dela: Wanna just sit down and have a genuine human conversation?

Georgia: Finally!

(They do, and the cringing stops.)

INT: MAINSTAGE

(The queens come out in their best animal costumes, to be judged by Paula Abdul. I mean, she’s no Cher, but . . . you know what? She’ll do.)

RuPaul: Oh my god, you bitches. You made me cringe so fucking hard I pulled a muscle in my cheeks. At this point, it’s between Angel Courtney and awesome Beetle-Borg Dela. But we’re going to give it to Courtney because the wings are badass. You win a bunch of wigs!

Courtney: I actually have my own line of wigs in real life, but it’s the thought that counts. Right?

RuPaul: Darienne and Bianca, you’re both safe even though you were generally awful. And while Joslyn stepped way out of line, her questions were based on her trying to talk about something she saw Georgia Holt talk about in her documentary, so we’ll give her a pass.

Adore: Party?

RuPaul: Yes, party in the bottom two with Trinity. Hope you like lip-synching to one of Paula Abdul’s lesser songs.

(They lip-sync to “Vibeology,” which — yeah, Vibeology. The music budget this year wasn’t great; I’m putting that out there. Regardless, they both kill it.)

RuPaul: Well, I already used the zero elimination for this season, so . . . Adore, you’re safe. Trinity, you get to leave with the audience’s respect and love, which is the most anyone can ask for.

Trinity: Remember when y’all thought I was going to be another Tyra Sanchez? Yeah, you can all suck it!