Toronto Diary
3 min

The Drag Race Ruview: Conscious Uncoupling

INT: WERKROOM

(The final six queens — Adore Delano, BenDeLaCreme, Bianca Del Rio, Courtney Act, Darienne Lake and Joslyn Fox — enter.)

Courtney: Wait, are we seriously already down to the final six? This is some relative time fuckery.

Joslyn: Time sure flies when you have your balls duct taped into your rectum.

(RUPAUL enters.)

RuPaul: All right, girls, it’s time for you to make an art! Just cover yourselves in paint and convulse uncontrollably on top of a canvas. The winner will be decided by who gives a fuck.

(The queens paint themselves and flop around awkwardly on a white sheet. It all has something to do with marriage equality or something, I guess, but the message is somewhat lost when placed in relation to Darienne’s paint-covered ass twerking.)

Adore: CHAOS REIGNS.

RuPaul: I guess Bianca wins or something? Your prize is getting to pair the queens with a bunch of Drag Race fan girls for the makeover challenge.

(Six women enter the werk room.)

Bianca: Ooo, I pick the pretty one!

RuPaul: That’s nice . . . You’re actually going to be making over their husbands, so I guess your prize didn’t actually mean anything.

Bianca: Why you gotta break a bitch’s balls, Ru?

RuPaul: I eat the tears of drag queens. Kind of explains a lot, doesn’t it?

(The queens get to work shaving their men and turning them into drag queens. Except for Adore, who can’t sew or do other people’s makeup because apparently she’s never seen this show before, and Joslyn, whose drag daughter didn’t know he’d be getting a drag makeover on a show about drag queens.)

Adore: Who would have thought that a challenge that’s appeared in every season so far would appear again!

DeLa: Quick question, love: what show do you think you’re on right now?

Adore: Duck Dynasty?

DeLa: Oh, honey . . .

INT: MAIN STAGE

(The queens, their brides, RuPaul, Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka gather together for a drag-queen-on-drag-king wedding.)

RuPaul: So this is happening. As an ordained minister, I now pronounce you drag bride and drag bride.

(They all kiss, except for Joslyn’s guy, who is so hung up on being in drag ON RUPAUL’S DRAG RACE that he runs off stage to vomit.)

Joslyn: Willam did it better.

RuPaul: Like that bitch has a gag reflex. Anyway, let’s get this underway . . . Bianca and DeLa, you two have the least haggard-looking brides, so I guess we’ll give it to Bianca, since her daughter kinda looks like Tammie Brown. You win a trip to Hawaii.

Bianca: Wait, you can afford to send us to Hawaii, but you can’t afford better lip-sync songs?

RuPaul: Look, it is what it is; just roll with it. Now, Courtney and Darienne, you both gave your daughters ugly dresses but pretty faces, so I guess you’re both safe. Adore, your bride looks like she was the victim of a grease fire, and Joslyn, your bride looks like someone hit her in the face with a bag of flour. You bitches are in the bottom two. Now, lip-sync to an Aretha Franklin song! But not the one you’re thinking of.

(They lip-sync to Aretha Franklin’s “Think.” It’s the one where she sings FREEDOM! Over and over again. Remember that one? Yeah . . . It’s not a great performance, but Adore still edges out Joslyn.)

RuPaul: I guess Adore wins? Either way. So long, Joslyn. We’ll miss your boob jiggles and your adorable obliviousness to social cues. 

(Joslyn grabs her boob in a weirdly emotional way. Everyone is legitimately sad to see her go.)