INT: WERK ROOM
(The queens enter, minus Milk. They pour a 40-ouncer of coffee creamer on the curb in her honour.)
Laganja: COME ON, POST-MORTEM!
Adore: So are we going to say a few words for Milk or —
RuPaul: Nope! Sorry! Can’t. Long story short, we aired two episodes back to back last night, so in order to recap this, we have to really cut things short for the sake of keeping this to a quick read. We’re going to have to cram a whole lot of queen into a very small amount of space.
Dela: Like Darienne trying to fit into a dress?
RuPaul: Exactly. Which reminds me: this is going to be a team challenge where you pair up to sell my makeup, Glamazon by ColorEvolution. So I’m going to pair up you and Darienne since she hates you.
Darienne: If you wanted to tell me to go fuck myself, you could have just said so.
Laganja: COME ON, PASSIVE-AGGRESSION!
RuPaul: Trinity and Bianca will also be together, since they hate each other, too. Laganja, you’re insanely jealous of Adore, so you’ll be together. And that leaves Joslyn and Courtney, who are in an incredibly one-sided love affair.
Joslyn: Courtney, I’m such a huge fan! Nothing you could say or do would ruin this for me.
Courtney: Which is good, because for the next two hours my mouth is going to be a goddamn spigot of bitchy condescension.
Joslyn: Huh. Did I say “nothing”?
INT: Closed set
(The queens work in pairs to shoot commercials for GLAMAZON BY COLOREVOLUTION. Just like in All-Stars, one queen — Dela, Adore and Joslyn — invariably carries the other — Darienne, Laganja and Courtney. In the case of Bianca and Trinity, the latter unleashes her inner Bianca and ends up breaking her self-defeating mindset. IT’S A DRAG RACE MIRACLE!)
(The ladies come out in their best black-and-white looks. Except for Laganja, who comes out looking like one of the fucking cat people from Avatar.)
RuPaul: As you can see, this episode has clearly transported us into a fantastical alternate universe where nothing makes any sense, so tonight I’m giving the win to Adore and Laganja.
Adore: Not to look a gift horse-face in the mouth, but Laganja? Did you walk by her and get a contact high?
Laganja: COME ON, POORLY DEFINED CHALLENGE CRITERIA!
RuPaul: Up is down, left is right, Laganja wins, and we come very close to sending Dela home because of Darienne’s crappy acting! But we won’t, so everyone stays. FEED YOUR HEAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Dela: We have danced on the precipice of madness and lived to bear its scars. So I guess next week, I’ll try to reveal my “real self,” or whatever fucking bullshit critique Michelle told me.
(A week later, and by that I mean minutes later . . .)
INT: WERK ROOM
(Everyone’s back and yadda yadda yadda, OH GOD THERE’S SO MUCH TO COVER.)
Dela: Well, I just made it through by the skin of my teeth. Let’s say we have one week where we get a softball, m’kay?
RuPaul: Who’s ready for a standup comedy challenge? In front of a group from a seniors’ home?
RuPaul: So yeah, looks like you’re going to be performing one of the hardest acts ever in front of a crowd you’re not used to performing in front of. What could possibly go wrong?
Laganja: COME ON, OBLIVIOUSLY INAPPROPRIATE COMEDY ROUTINE.
(The queens come out and perform their standup routines in front of Ru, the judges and your grandparents. Now that I think about it, when’s the last time you called your grandparents? You should call them. They’d appreciate it.)
Darienne: Well, my set is killing it, mostly because I’m the same age as all of you!
Courtney: Hey, you know what lends itself well to live comedy? Singing! Because why let your audience take the time to laugh at your jokes?
Adore: If I call my grandma a whore, will you laugh? No? Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Dela: So I’m still a little on pins and needles since Michelle told me she doesn’t know who I am and what does that even mean oh god I’m still talking just breathe, Dela, BREATHE.
(A heckler cuts her off like an asshole. Actually, quick aside: no one likes hecklers. Hecklers are assholes. If you heckle, accept that you are an asshole and move on with your terrible, terrible life.)
Laganja: Well, Dela kinda bombed, but watch me bomb even harder. YES GAWD MAMA WEED AND TOKES AND STICKY ICKY COME ON SICKENING BITCH WERK oh god, is that what I sound like?
Trinity: Surprisingly, I actually kick a ton of ass, and all my jokes are completely original. This is what happens when you let Bianca inside of you. Wait, that came out wrong.
Joslyn: What starts out strong but peters out toward the end? My act!
Bianca: Look, we all know I’m gonna win this bitch, so let’s just close the show so Ru can give me my win.
RuPaul: Fair enough. You win! Have another mermaid gown.
Bianca: Sure, because I don’t have enough of those.
RuPaul: And since I really want to send Laganja home, I’ll just put her up against Joslyn. Here, have a Pink song. Do right by me, Fox.
(Laganja and Joslyn go head to head as Pink’s “Stupid Girls” plays.)
Laganja: Well, looks like it’s time to do the splits. Again. Allow me to telegraph my plan as long and obviously as possible.
Joslyn: Not on my watch, biotch.
(Joslyn cock-blocks Laganja by doing the splits at the exact same time, and it’s epic.)
Joslyn: C-C-COMBO BREAKER, BITCH!
RuPaul: Holy shit, shantay, you stay. That was perfection. All right, Laganja, you and your weird fibreglass insulation afro can go home now.
Laganja: And now, to walk away with whatever dignity I have left.
(She chasses down the runway, with no wig on her head and makeup running down her face.)
Laganja: COME ON, DIGNITY!