[RuPaul / Twitter]
10:00 – Yup, it’s the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Like last year, we’re doing it live. Also, I shouldn’t have to say this, but spoiler alert. Consider yourselves overly warned.
10:08 – It’s another awkward dance number! Hooray! Although considering how I dance like one of the kids from A Charlie Brown Christmas, I can’t throw stones.
10:12 – Look, kids, RuPaul is taking a product placement for Samsung! I mean a selfie! I like how Milk is purposely keeping Gia Gunn out of the picture. The shade, the passive-aggressive shade of it all!
10:14 – First up, we have Kelly and Magnolia, the first two queens to go. There was a reason for that. I mean really, for someone who prides herself on being a Hollywood actress and performer, you’d figure Kelly could hire a stylist or something. She has parents who love her, and she wore that big pile of nothing out on TV where God and the Lord Jesus Christ can see her mistakes. Shameful!
10:16 – Magnolia’s up now. She looks like what would happen if your racist grandmother died, and instead of having her cremated, you cheaped out and had her reupholstered. Anyway, Magnolia said she didn’t watch the season, and I don’t buy it for a second. That bitch probably has her episode on DVR and she jerks off to it obsessively. “Oh god, oh god, the exposure! The exposure! Hnnnnnnggggg!”
10:18 – Next up, Vivacious and April. Vivacious is SERVING IT. I have no idea what she just said, but she served it. April shows off all her runway outfits, but the beading on her face? Girl. This is what it looks like when a drag queen has an acne breakout.
10:20 – I could watch Vivacious walk for hours. To the mall, to the post office, to the baths, I don’t fucking care. NEVER GET A BUS PASS, HONEY.
10:24 – Oh fuck yeah, Gia and Milk are about to have it out. Let’s see . . . Milk looks amazing and now makes enough money doing drag that she quit her job and is now touring internationally. Comparatively, Gia Gunn is still Gia Gunn. Milk wins. And does Gia lose? Absolutelyyyyyyyyyyy.
10:28 – Speaking of tiresome people learning nothing, Laganja Estranja. The personality is still overly fake, and she looks like Lady Tremaine. She’s in her 20s, and she somehow dresses like a cartoon of a 50-year-old woman. The cut to Michelle Visage in the audience staring daggers at Laganja speaks volumes about this one.
10:29 – Trinity, on the other hand, has really gone above and beyond. Her segment leads into a quick recap of drag herstory and an awkwardly shoehorned in musical number. Take note, kids: when in doubt, you can always just sing vague platitudes until the commercial break!
10:35 – Up next, we have Joslyn, Darienne Lake and BenDeLaCreme. And yes, I’m still bitter DeLa isn’t in the top three. Whatever. Joslyn talks about how she now wears even more accessories just to spite the judges, and DeLa reveals that the show is literally a race. More Mario Kart than Nascar, but still.
10:38 – Dela has the opportunity to patch things up with Darienne, and Darienne has a chance to patch things up with her mother, thanks to a video message. Darienne may not have come across the best, but bitchery aside, it’s unimaginably awful to be on the out with your parents, so it’s nice to see Darienne moving forward with her life.
10:45 – The top three is here, and look, more musical interludes! I like to imagine Lucian Piane spent most of this year working overtime, slaving over a mixing board and figuring out what rhymes with “duct tape.” We also get a chance to see Adore and Laganja patch things up in a pre-recorded segment. The only time Laganja seems genuinely emotional is when Adore asks to speak to her off camera.
10:52 – We have a couple audience questions, but more importantly, Joslyn’s getting married! It’s just like the wedding episode, only this is legitimately moving.
10:57 – BenDeLaCreme wins Ms Congeniality, and Ivy’s on stilts. When you factor in the Pit Crew as the strongmen and Bianca’s clown realness, this is literally a three-ring circus.
11:00 – Let’s take a look at the final three. Specifically Adore, since she’s RuPaul’s pet this year. She’s like John Leguizamo at the end of To Wong Foo, only without the shame of having been in the Super Mario Bros movie.
11:07 – The Bianca Del Rio bit is next, and we get a good look at Lola, her goddaughter. She inherited her sense of humour apparently, because that is one funny little girl. When she’s 19, she’s going to be a lot of fun at Woody’s.
11:13 – The only thing I got from Courtney’s segment is that she and Chaz are fucking . . . Is it weird I want to watch?
11:17 – Jinkx Monsoon dressed in green. She might as well have come out in jeans and a T-shirt with “Fuck everything you love, Michelle Visage” written on the tits. God I love this bitch.
11:21 – Bianca Del Rio wins! Which isn’t really a surprise, but still, good for her. And to top it off, we have a video message from Judge Judy congratulating her on the win. So there you have it. After a controversial season, picking the insult comic who has softened around the edges is rather fitting. I mean, if Bianca can thaw her icy heart, we can all be a little nicer going forward.