Toronto Diary
4 min

The Drag Race Ruview: Party and Play

INT: WERK ROOM – DAYTIME

(BIANCA DEL RIO, TRINITY K BONET, JOSLYN FOX, COURTNEY ACT, MILK, MAGNOLIA CRAWFORD and DARIENNE LAKE enter the werk room, which has been trashed by the queens from last week.)

Bianca: All right, you cocksuckers, something is seriously askew, and I’m not talking Magnolia’s fucked-up bird-of-prey nose contour. Oh hi, I’m Bianca Del Rio! I’m a bitch, but I’m funny! Also a bitch!

Trinity: I’m Trinity. (AN HOUR OF AWKWARD SILENCE PASSES.)

Joslyn: Yeah, look at all this used party stuff lying around! Ah yes, I’m Joslyn. I’m Jade Jolie without the covert bitchiness.

Courtney: I’m Courtney Act! I’m famous in Australia, but then again . . . it is Australia. I’m just saying.

Milk: Hi, I’m Milk! I’m nut-fucking insane but in a good way. Also, I’m super fuckable out of drag. But no, seriously, would it have killed them to maybe vacuum in here or something?

Magnolia: I’m Magnolia. My nose contour looks like a hatchet and I’m soul-rotting to be around.

Darienne: And I’m Darienne! I’m the season’s token big funny girl. Also, Pandora Boxx is my drag daughter, so you’re all welcome.

(ENTER RUPAUL)

RuPaul: Hey y’all! So remember how everyone pissed and moaned last week about the cast split? Well, good news! It pays off this week by putting a shit-ton of pressure on the queens and raising the stakes!

Joslyn: So the take-away lesson here is “never doubt RuPaul”?

RuPaul: Yes. Now everyone climb into bed with four naked men while I take pictures.

Milk: Like you needed to ask.

INT: CLOSED SET – DAYTIME

(The queens roll around in a bed with the Scruff pit crew. They are all repeatedly hit with pillows, which sounds fun until you remember how much those things hurt when you were a kid. Seriously, it was like taking a brick right in the face. At the very least, that’s gotta knock your false eyelashes off, right?)

INT: WERK ROOM DAYTIME

RuPaul: I went over your pictures, and . . . fuck it, Trinity wins, I guess? Yaaaaay. Yay for Trinity.

Bianca: Yeah, I took a pillow straight to the temple, and now my face has gone numb.

RuPaul: Now it’s time for your main challenge: to grab a box full of party favours and make a dress.

Bianca: No seriously, you guys, I can’t feel my face. Who was the asshole who decided a pillow fight was a good idea?

(Everyone immediately starts sewing, although they occasionally take breaks to cruise Milk, because JESUS CHRIST he is hot as a boy. Just . . . I would just tear him in half. Like a saw through lumber. What’s that? Oh yeah, they all make their fucking outfits. Honestly, if it doesn’t involve Milk, I can’t be bothered.)

INT: MAIN STAGE – NIGHT

(The queens all walk the runway, while RUPAUL, MICHELLE VISAGE, Santino Rice and KHLOE KARDASHIAN judge them.)

RuPaul: All right, let’s get the safe queens out of the way. Trinity, your concept of a space princess was actually pretty creative, but the cardboard neckpiece is pretty rough. Courtney, your Republican-based outfit is really just a bandage around your tits and some fabric strapped to your waist, but you’re famous. Enjoy your safety, girls.

Courtney: G’day, mate! Vegemite koalas Paul Hogan!

RuPaul: That’s all I know about Australia. Sorry. Milk, you’re a close second because your toga outfit is well executed and conceptual, but the judges can’t get past the goatee, even if it does look fucking cool. So instead, we’re giving the win to Bianca Del Rio for making a dress that RuPaul would actually wear.

Bianca: That’s great and all, but I honestly still can’t feel my face. I think I might have nerve damage.

RuPaul: Take your win and like it, bitchy. Now Joslyn, your Quinceañera outfit looked like a peacock made of half-inflated balloons, but Magnolia’s dress is nothing but a couple yards of cow-print wrapped around her midsection, while Darienne’s outfit looks like she’s hosting a bingo night. And now, here’s Khloe Kardashian’s contribution to the night.

Khloe: I HAVE A PUFFY VAGINA! KEEP THAT IN MIND WHILE DRESSING YOURSELF.

RuPaul: The sad thing is, that’s pretty much what she said. Seriously, that was her critique of Darienne’s dress. I know right? Anyway, lip-sync to “Turn the Beat Around.”

(Darienne and Magnolia lip-sync, and Darienne just destroys her. It’s not even a contest. Magnolia doesn’t even know the words, which is weird since “Turn the Beat Around” is practically an instructional song. Anyway, she loses and no one feels bad about it.)

Darienne: Well, you came in a mess and you left a mess. I can’t say I’m going to miss you.

Magnolia: That’s okay, I don’t really give a shit about the show. I just wanted some easy fame.

Courtney: Once again, that’s pretty much what she said. What an asshole.

Bianca: I still can’t feel my face. Should I go to the hospital?