[Yes, the Drag Race Ruview is back, except we’re doing things a tad differently: in order to make it read a bit faster, I’m writing it as a script. That way you don’t have to suffer through my overanalyzing everything and you don’t have to commit that much time to this. Yay, efficiency!]
INT: WERK ROOM – DAYTIME
(ADORE DELANO, BEN DELACREME, GIA GUNN, LAGANJA ESTRANJA, APRIL CARRION, VIVACIOUS and KELLY MANTLE enter the room.)
Adore: All right, girls, we have about three seconds before the other queens get here, so let’s try and condense our personalities into single sentences. I’m Adore! I was on American Idol, and I look like Terra from Final Fantasy IX!
Ben: I’m Ben! I’m sweet, overly enthusiastic, and I look exactly like Michelle Visage! Only younger!
LaGanja: I’m LaGanja! SICKENING GIRL! My personality is a quilted mishmash of random pop culture tropes, and I constantly sound like an Ambien addict trying to read a script. Oh, and that’s Gia. She’s awful and she only knows one word.
April: Jesus Christ, I can literally hear the bored bitchiness dripping out of your mouth. Oh, yeah, I’m April. I wear clothes.
Vivacious: I’m Vivacious! I’m a club kid and I wear a Styrofoam head named Ornacia on top of my real head. Also, would someone please help me with my zipper? I’m trapped inside my costume.
Kelly: Hi! I’m Kelly, and I’m an actress whose been on numerous shows! But I only ever play characters meant to be cheap shots at drag queens and trans people, so yeah. Meryl Streep I am not.
(RUPAUL enters the room.)
RuPaul: Well, I guess now’s the time to reveal the twist — we’re splitting the premiere in two! Half the queens are missing and they’ll be here next week! This means we’re not inundating the viewers with random cannon fodder, but it also kinda takes the wind out of our sails until you’re all together. Now, JUMP OFF HIGH LEDGES FOR MY AMUSEMENT!
Ben: Oh, that’s our mini challenge?
RuPaul: . . . Yeah, sure, that.
INT: CLOSED SET – DAYTIME
(The queens jump off a ledge into a pool of foam blocks. They all do terribly, but LaGanja wins because fuck it, why not.)
RuPaul: Congratulations, I guess. Now, here’s your real challenge — take these boxes of random shit and create runway looks inspired by hit TV shows. And by “hit” TV shows, I mean crap like Duck Dynasty and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
April: If you wanted to tell us to fuck ourselves, you could have just said so.
April: I want to punch you in the brain, but I feel like it would be a lateral move for you.
(The queens sew and hot-glue random crap together until it looks like clothing. ADORE, who can’t sew for some reason, accidentally glues her dress to her dress form and literally beats it off of it.)
INT: RUNWAY – NIGHT
(The queens walk the runway while RUPAUL, MICHELLE VISAGE, MIKE RUIZ, ADAM LAMBERT and a VERY TALL NEWBORN BABY judge them.)
RuPaul: Well, let’s just get the safety nets out of the way. LaGanja, your hemline is too long and the neckline is non-existent, but your disco ball bustier isn’t half bad. Gia, your chevron top and spaghetti skirt look awful, but a Kardashian would wear it, so that works. You’re both safe.
RuPaul: You’re awful. Now for the top looks . . . April, your garment looks pretty chic, and the colour scheme does resemble camouflage, but Ben wins because the silhouette on your Golden Girls gown is AMAZING for something you hot glued together. Also, the random cheesecake is pretty inspired. Now Adore, you wanna explain your Honey Boo Boo gown?
Adore: It’s basically just a bunch of blue and pink fabric wrapped around myself, but how was I supposed to know the first episode was going to be a sewing challenge? I mean, Season 1 opened with a sewing challenge. As did Season 2. And every season after that . . . Yeah, I’m not great with pattern recognition.
RuPaul: Well, the good news is you’re safe because Kelly’s Downton Abbey dress looks like bacon and her styling makes her look like a car-crash victim, while Vivacious’s Game of Thrones ensemble is a tattered mess.
Vivacious: Is Game of Thrones the one with the hobbits?
Ornacia: DAMMIT VIVACIOUS, YOU’RE BLOWING IT FOR US!
(VIVACIOUS and KELLY lip-sync to Madonna’s “Born This Way.” I mean “Express Yourself.” Vivacious vogues her way through it, while Kelly just sort of splays her limbs.)
RuPaul: Well fuck it. Vivacious and Ornacia, shantay you stay. Kelly, you and your weird bacon top are the first to go. Sorry, but this is what happens when you wear a shake-n-go wig on my show.
Kelly: Guess I better go record a song with Tammie Brown. Bye, bitches!