Toronto Diary
4 min

The Drag Race Ruview: Snatch me if you can

INT: WERK ROOM

(The queens enter, with April Carrion gone.)

BIANCA: So . . . guess it kinda sucks that April is gone, right?

(RUPAUL enters)

RUPAUL: Everyone shut the fuck up! It’s the Snatch Game! Fuck the mini-challenge, we’re going right into this thing. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE!

BIANCA: Oh thank god. For a second there, I thought I was going to have to care about April going home.

INT: THE SNATCH GAME SET

(The queens sit behind their podiums in their best celebrity impersonation drag. Off to the side are GILLIAN JACOB! And HEATHER MCDONALD, who is not Britta Perry so I don’t care as much.)

RUPAUL: Okay, we all know how this goes. Your question is “The Snatch Game is such an integral part of RuPaul’s Drag Race that if a queen comes into the competition without an impersonation under her belt, she is a blank.” Go for it, queens.

BIANCA: Order in the court! I’m Judge Judy, which gives me full reign to yell at stupid people all I want. It’s the perfect character. Anyway, I’m going to say IDIOT, because that’s what I think of Laganja and Gia.

ADORE: How’re y’all doin’? I’m Anna Nicole Smith, and I’m drunk as shit. Also sniffed a little glue. Ate a few pills off the floor. Anyway, I wrote down “call an ambulance,” because I don’t feel so hot.

MILK: Helloooooo! I’m Julia Child! Kinda. I’m pretty rough, but at least two other people did worse than I did. Anyway, I said a “sausage truck,” and now here’s a lengthy explanation for that one . . .

COURTNEY: Mr Sheffield! I’m Fran Drescher! The sad part is that Joslyn ended up doing a better Fran impression in her confessional segment, but whatever; it’s good enough for safe. Also, I wrote down *nasal laugh*.

LAGANJA: I’m Rachel Zoe. Literally. I somehow figured that picking an obscure character with no personality would be a good idea. Literally. I’m just playing myself. Literally. I wrote down “literally.”

DARIENNE: Well hello there, sugar! I’m playing Paula Deen! But not the current Paula Deen. This was back before we all found out she was a racist. So I wrote down “butter.”

GIA: I gave up on playing Selena, so instead I’m playing Kim Kardashian. I know: a vapid, shallow bitch playing a vapid, shallow bitch. What a stretch. I wrote “absolutely,” because that word is the extent of my wit.

JOSLYN: I’m playing Teresa from one of those Real Housewives shows. Surprisingly, I do incredibly well, and I have a deep understanding of how to set up and pay off a joke. Anyway, I said “prostitution whore”!

BEN: Ahem, yes. I’m Dame Maggie Smith, and I’m confused by everything. What is this accursed game of snatches you keep prattling on about, Ruple? Someone fetch me a libation! One flavoured with Citron! I wrote “peasant.”

TRINITY: I’m Nicki Minaj. Meh, honestly I’m safe anyway, so just ignore me. I didn’t bother writing anything because I was switching my wig.

RUPAUL: Well, that’s that. And now on to the mainstage, where all you queens have to wear something that encapsulates me! RuPaul! Actually, that’s pretty damn clever. High-five, self!

INT: MAINSTAGE

(The queens wear outfits designed to impersonate RuPaul’s most famous looks, which means a lot of mermaid gowns, big hair and, in the case of Milk, a suit from Moods of Norway, because OH MY GOD HE’S DRESSED AS MALE RU EVERYONE PANIC HNNNNNNNGGGGGG.)

RUPAUL: All right, Bianca and Adore, both of you came close to winning, but I’m going with BenDeLaCreme because she actually played a character other than herself.

BEN: Yay! So I guess that means I’m for sure in the top three, huh?

RUPAUL: Pretty much, yeah. Now for the bottom three. Milk, your Julia Child impression was kinda crunchy, and the male drag thing was a bit weird. But we love the fact that you took a risk, as well as the fact that you look like Dean Pelton from Community, so you’re safe! Instead, we’re going to make Laganja and Gia duke it out to a Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam song. Our music budget this year sucks — I’m just going to say it.

(It totally does. Anyway, Laganja does a bunch of splits, and Gia takes half an hour to do a costume change, so she’s gotta go pack her shit.)

LAGANJA: Before Gia goes home, I just want you all to know I am very mad about what the rest of you queens said! I don’t actually know what you said, or if you even said it, but I’m mad. Pay attention to me!

GIA: And before I go, I just want to say you’re all a bunch of dudes! Yes, even though I don’t blend my makeup, and my hairline looks like it was drawn on with a Sharpie, and I somehow glued my eyelash to my brow so one of my eyes doesn’t close, I am going to judge you all on your level of polish.

RUPAUL: Just go home, Gia.

GIA: Duuuuuuuuuuuuudes!