Toronto Diary
3 min

The Drag Race Ruview: The hills are alive with the sound of SHADE

INT: WERKROOM

(All the queens enter, sans VIVACIOUS. APRIL wipes her message off the mirror.)

APRIL: As sad as I am to see Vivacious go, I can’t help but feel like it was her time.

BIANCA: Yes, the right queen went home. Unless you consider yourself. Or Trinity. Or Gia. Oh my god, especially Gia.

GIA: Absolutely.

MILK: Everyone hates you.

(Enter RUPAUL and the guy from Us Weekly.)

RUPAUL: Hey, queens! For shits and giggles this week, we’re going to play a game to see if you can tell female celebrities from drag queens.

BEN: Oh god. Is our next mini-challenge going to be an apology?

(So this happens, and I sigh heavily and try to pretend it never happened.)

RUPAUL: Ben and Adore win.

BEN: I don’t feel good about that.

RUPAUL: Nor should you. Let’s just move on to the main challenge, which is a musical about drag queens!

COURTNEY: I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that I was on Australian Idol and Adore was on American Idol.

RUPAUL: Oh it pretty much is. It’s going to be a fight between Glinda and Elphaba, and the rest of the queens will be competing for third. Anyway, get to rehearsing, bitches!

ADORE: Well, since this is going to come down to Courtney and I, the rest of you will fill in the supporting cast.

DARIENNE: All right, Gia and I will be the comedy queens, even though Gia has the comedy chops of a funeral.

BIANCA: Trinity and I will be the pageant queens, even though we hate each other.

TRINITY: Shut up your stupid face, Bianca. I HATE YOUR SOUL.

BEN: That’ll go well. I guess I’ll be the shady queen, because I can actually play a character.

JOSLYN: As the surprise dark horse, I’ll be in a group with April and Laganja so that I can completely outshine them.

MILK: And I’ll be Grizabella for no discernible reason. Cats is still a thing, right?

INT: MAINSTAGE

(The queens take to their marks for SHADE: The Rusical! Proving once and for all that there is no word that can’t be turned into a RuPaul pun.)

COURTNEY: I’m the obvious winner, but I’ll still play along . . .

TRINITY: Whose idea was it to make us sing one big song?

BIANCA: Only a handful of us have the talent or wit . . .

DARIENNE: To sell a musical number without sounding like shit.

GIA: I have a voice that would cause diarrhea . . .

BEN: Seriously, it’s like musical gonorrhea.

JOSLYN: There’s still a slim chance that Adore might just win this . . .

ADORE: Nope! I may be talented, but my performance was listless.

LAGANJA: What a shame; your part could have been really killer.

APRIL: I think this line’s mostly filler. (SCREECHES)

MILK: And I’m Grizabella. Good night, folks!

(The queens go backstage and change into their Tony Awards realness. Which for Milk means getting pregnant. Meh, why not?)

RUPAUL: Our top three this week are Adore, Courtney and Ben! So Ben, you’re the spiritual winner.

BEN: Huzzah!

RUPAUL: Hmmmm, now to choose between Courtney and Adore. HA! Just kidding! It’s Courtney, because Adore apparently can’t be bothered to try. Seriously, commit already, bitch. Otherwise you’re going to end up like Detox. Now for the bottom three. Darienne, I’m going to give you a stern warning for no discernible reason, but the real bottom two is going to be Trinity and April, since Trinity can’t enunciate with a flipper and April was just screechy and terrible. Now, lip-sync to Chaka Khan’s “I’m Every Woman.”

(Trinity and April throw down to some Chaka Khan. Honestly, the lip-sync is almost too close to call, until you remember April’s horrible singing and uninspired dress. If I never see another nude dress with haphazard beading and embroidery, it’ll be too soon.)

RUPAUL: Well sorry, April, looks like it’s time for you to go home. Don’t lock the door; Gia will be on the way out shortly.

GIA: Absolutely.

(LIGHTS OUT.)