I didn’t bother staying up late/waking up early to watch the royal wedding, because like any sane person, I refuse to get up at 3am for the privilege of watching two pretty but kinda useless people get married on the taxpayers’ dollar. That being said, it sure as hell didn’t stop me from being inundated with a constant barrage of tweets and Facebook updates about how gorgeous Kate Middleton looked. (As my one courtesy to the couple: she did look amazing. There, I’ve said my peace.) I figured I might as well post something here as my tribute to the happy couple: for the life of me, I couldn’t decide between Princess Beatrice’s hat or this picture of what appears to be, but for legal reasons I must point out IS NOT, Kate Middleton consummating the marriage with a good ol’-fashioned beej in front of a small, incredibly disappointed child. Clearly, that three-year-old is not impressed with her technique. “You call that a hummer? I’ve seen less tooth looking a gift horse in the mouth, YOU WHORE.”
But if I posted that picture, I wouldn’t have time to post a picture of Princess Beatrice’s hat! And what a hat it is! I may be reaching for straws here, but I’m, like, nine percent sure that what she’s wearing is meant to look like either a pretty bow or some sort of Japanese tentacled sex monster. It’s a toss-up. All I know is that she’s probably wearing it to distract people from her face, which isn’t so much a “face” as it is a giant pair of eyeballs and a gaping maw smooshed onto a head. I’m not saying she’s terrifying to look at; I’m just saying her face looks the way God’s mocking laughter sounds.
In lieu of choosing between the two, I hastily photoshopped (okay fine, I used MS Paint. Happy?!) both pictures together into the terrifying image you see above: a disembodied head/Japanese sex-topus watching as Prince William gets a royal blowjob while a small child criticizes them. If that’s not the most accurate representation of the biggest media story of the year, I don’t know what is.