Toronto Diary
2 min

The five best dildos to send to Vladimir Putin

If you hadn’t heard by now, an internet initiative is underway to send dildos to Vladimir Putin as a charitable way to tell the Russian president to literally and figuratively fuck himself. (Gamelink.com is even offering $5 off to anyone who uses the promo code PutinOnTheRitz. Nice use of show tunes!)

To help you come up with something fun, I searched the internet far and wide (read: I Googled) to find the best dildos for Putin. You know, I never thought I’d write that sentence, and yet here we are. This is a momentous day.

The Hammer: The light-up rainbow dildo

Fun fact: If you Google “rainbow dildo,” this is the first thing that pops up. This dildo from The Toy Maker Project sparkles in rainbow lights when you squeeze it! Perfect for sex in the dark and/or finding the surge box during a blackout!

Fleshjack’s Drac

Inspired by a horrible, bloodsucking monster, this one just seems fitting when you think about it.

The Unicorn Butt Plug

Is it at all surprising that this thing was found on Etsy? Yeah, not really. Not only is this super awesomely gay, but did anyone else feel like he looked just a little too happy riding horses shirtless? Those were happier times . . . (Note: Not actually for insertion. Do not put this butt plug in your butt.)

This dildo cannon

Because chances are, Putin’s such a tight-ass that he’ll probably need a running start anyway.

Nothing

Who the fuck does Putin think he is, trying to scam us out of our hard-earned dildos? We earned those! With money! And we get to use them because we’re proud gay men! So don’t suck it, Putin, because we’re keeping our sex toys, and we’re gonna have fun with them, and you don’t get any sexy fun.