6 min

The gays broke the stock market

The stock market took a big hit yesterday after the US Congress failed to pass the controversial Wall Street bailout. Democrats largely went along with Bush's plan but Republicans surprisingly shot it down in flames and then not so surprisingly blamed it on the Democrats. Openly gay congressman Barney Frank responded amusingly but right-wing pundits are saying it was his fault, him and all the gays. They're suggesting a link between banks' failures and their diversity policies and insisting that the whole financial mess can only be fixed by ending gay marriage: "The nation will right itself if it fixes sex." Now I'm confused: America should focus less on its financial problems and obsess more on gays? Isn't that what they've been doing for eight years?

A 19-year-old in Florida on trial for murder insists that being the subject of gay rumours forced him to killPlease. If that were the case, John Baird would be a mass-murderer by now.

Heather Locklear was arrested for "erratic driving while on prescription pills." Oh Heather, you don't need this — after starring in "Dynasty" and "Melrose Place," you're already a gay icon!

I know, I know — still more Sarah Palin! But dammit, she's funnier than ever! Once you're done playing with The Sarah Palin Interview Generator, check out her latest interview: after embarrassing herself on the Pakistan issue, Daddy had to come in and help. The results are hilarious:

We often have to hear the lame complaint that the visibility of gay marriage will be "confusing" to children (ie. make them gay) so, by that logic, this week's nuclear-fusion wedding between Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson will end homosexuality forever!

And finally, a little something for the pervs out there. Have you been yearning to watch hardcore porn at work? Well, the fine folks at Diesel have come to your rescue with their "Safe For Work XXX" video: