Toronto
3 min

The joys of sluthood

Grab your best thong and get out there

Some years ago my coworker Nan was preparing to tie the knot and we decided to throw her a bachelorette party. Put in charge of the invitations — no one would trust me with decorations — I compiled a list of eclectic misfits, sure to liven up any soirée. Naturally, I invited my friend Jan, a crazy drunken hearing-aid specialist and best pal since high school.

The evening was a raucous affair and, somewhere between the strippers and the game of hot oil twister, Jan could be found running drunkenly around the room, pulling up her skirt to expose the new thong she had purchased that day and ordering people to spank her ass with a riding crop while raising a glass in honour of her slutiness.

Late in the evening Jan stumbled over to Nan with two shots of tequila and a loud cry of “Be a slut! Fuck everyone! Woohoo!” Slightly confused and significantly less intoxicated, Nan eyed her warily. “Actually,” she responded uncertainly, “I’m really in love with my fiancé. We’re going to get married and I don’t want to be with anyone else.”

“Get real, sistah,” Jan said, putting her arm around Nan in a big-sisterly way. “We all know these things never last forever. Before you know it, you’ll be out there throwing that pussy all over town. So drink up and be a slut while you’re still young and tight!”

Jan is a rare breed among straight girls. She sleeps around a lot, doesn’t give a shit about most of the people she fucks and rarely, if ever, knows their last names (or their first). She’s what I like to think of as a fag in a breeder chick’s body.

I’m sure that more straights would be like Jan if casual sex was safer and more socially acceptable. Actually, that’s not right. I’m sure that more straight men would be like Jan if they could get away with it.

Men are not built for mono-gamy. The only difference between straight men and gay men is that straight men fuck women. Most straight women are built for monogamy and expect it from the guys they’re with, which means if straight guys have any hope of getting laid on a consistent basis they’re going to have to settle for one snatch above all others.

Fags, on the other hand, fuck around a lot. Whether single, attached, married or in “committed life partnerships,” fags have lots of sex with lots of people.

I already know there’s some couple reading this and thinking, “What an idiot! He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We’ve never been with anyone else.” Better check your pants, boys, cause they’re on fire and not in a sexy way.

While I can conclusively say I’ve never encountered a gay couple that’s been together any significant amount of time and been totally monogamous, I have encountered many that screw around and act like they’re monogamous.

Let’s stop all the lying. No more drama, as Mary J would say. Let’s all come out of our slut closets together and enjoy the many benefits of sleeping around.

l Staying attractive. When you’re in a long-term relationship you stop caring about how you look. You get fat (or in my case you get skinny), start popping your zits and let your back hair grow in. Being a slut means that you have to keep trying to get laid, and as long as you have to keep trying you’re going to keep hitting the gym, practising good skin care and shaving/plucking

l Getting kinky. It’s hard to tell the person you live with that you want to be spanked or peed on or fucked with a butternut squash. But with strangers it’s easy! You’re able to fulfill all of your weird kinks (and yes, you do have them) and still have all the intimate cuddle time you need at home

l Crosspollination. The same-old, same-old gets boring after a while. Without outside influences you’re not going to teach your old dog any new tricks. Fuck a stranger and you might just find yourself saying, “Wow, I didn’t know about that!” Bring your newfound wisdom home and presto: hours of fun for the whole family

l Getting over fights. Make-up sex is good and all, but sometimes it’s easier to get over a fight if you’ve already had sex. Next time you get into a screaming match over the remote or whose turn it is to do the dishes, don’t spend those uncomfortable post-fight hours trying to avoid each other in the bachelor apartment you share. Go down to the bathhouse, rent yourself a sling room and bang seven or eight guys. I guarantee, when you get home the fight will seem like it never even happened.

I don’t have much space for a safer-sex message, so I’ll just say wrap it and lube it up before you put it in! Now grab your tequila, pick out your best thong and get out there. You’ll thank me in the end.