2 min

The Masturbatory Tales: Volume 3

To mark Masturbation Month, Johnnie Walker shares a story of self-pleasure

Johnnie Walker relates a story of self-pleasure to mark Masturbation Month. Credit: XTRA FILE PHOTO

I had my first orgasm with Monty Python’s Graham Chapman, the trailblazing gay actor, comedian and author who in 1967 became one of the first celebrities to come out of the closet. Not too shabby, right? I mean, who better to welcome you into the world of ejaculation than Biggus Dickus himself?

I should clarify: Chapman, tragically, died of cancer at the far-too-young age of 48 in 1989, when I was four years old. My first Big O came a good six years or so later. So, don’t worry, nothing creepy happened; he was already dead! (Does that make me a sorta half-assed necrophiliac?)

As a 12-year-old using dial-up internet on my family’s clunky PC (meaning, of course, that no one would be able to call us on our rotary landline phone or leave a message on our external answering machine that you needed a little mini-cassette tape for and — oh god I feel old), I cannot honestly recall whether I was specifically hunting for dick pics of the iconic funny man when I logged on. It is highly possible that I was exploring the Geocities (or potentially Angelfire or Tripod) Monty Python fan site just because that’s essentially what I thought the purpose of the internet was at that point in time. But then, as the small, grainy JPEG of Graham’s full-frontal scene from Life of Brian painstakingly loaded — line by line, pixel by pixel — my tween hard-on quickly revealed to me the true purpose of the internet.

Does anyone really know that they’re jerking off the first time they jerk off? It’s not like I had never heard of masturbation; I sat through health class breathing asthmatically and breaking out into panicked cold sweats just like everybody else (this was everybody’s experience, right?). But when they told us that it was both perfectly normal to charm one’s own snake and that it was perfectly normal not to, I took that blatant lie at face value and decided I would just be one of the perfectly normal non-masturbators.

I don’t know what I thought I was up to as I touched my junk while looking at a picture of a naked man on the internet. Setting the tone for much of my adult life, perhaps? Certainly not masturbating. And it wasn’t until the aforementioned ejaculation occurred that three important truths — not to mention my own semen —hit me. 1) I had masturbated, which meant I was a masturbator. 2) I did it while looking at a dick, which meant I was gay. 3) That dick belonged to a deceased British comedian, which meant I had impeccable taste. Through the years, I have clung to these three truths, and they have seldom steered me wrong.

Graham and I aren’t really involved physically these days. I tend to dedicate my solo flights to dudes closer to my own age, for one thing, like Colby Keller, Ben Whishaw, Tom Hiddleston or you (if you’re that cute straight guy with pictures of your beach vacation on Facebook). But your first time has to be with someone, and I’m glad I shared mine with a man who truly knew how to always look on the bright side of life.