Oh no, Timmy! From Victoria to St. John's, you've kept this country united in its love for muddy coffee, fatty fried dough and curiously thick tea. It's a love affair going back decades!
But then you expanded down into the United States and what happens? A Rhode Island franchisee is sponsoring an anti-gay "Marriage Day Celebration," forever linking Tim Hortons with bigotry in the minds of the fancy gays who think nothing of spending five dollars on a cup of coffee. Nice work, hockey puck.
Calls to TH head office have gone unanswered at press time but I'm assuming the chain will simply write this off as the actions of a single, homo-hating shop owner and not the corporation as a whole. That's certainly true but not an adequate response, frankly. Since I'm here to help, I propose you solve this with icing:
Presenting the new Tim Hortons Rainbow Sprinkle Donut, with full proceeds from all sales going to the Trevor Project, the US organization focused on crisis and suicide
prevention efforts among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and
questioning (LGBTQ) youth! Actor Daniel Radcliffe made a big personal donation to the group this week so if Trevor's good enough for Harry Potter, it should be good enough for you, Timmy. Don't say I didn't try to help!
After all, surely you don't want the Tim Hortons brand to look as ridiculous as the government of Malaysia?
Wouldn't you rather your coffee chain stand with the millions of people who support us, like practically the entire city of Tel Aviv this weekend?
Rainbow sprinkles, Timmy — think about it!