Human Interest
10 min

The power of breasts!

The new "Transformers" movie is a hit but star Megan Fox has upset the Canadian Free Press with her "mean-spirited" attack on the "white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people of Middle America."  Yikes, this might become a PerezHilton-sized scandal unless I defuse it here with a simple photo:

Ms. Fox, you see, has breasts.  Nice ones, in fact, and — while I'm no anthropologist — I have learned that conservative straight men really, really like them. 

Consider Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who abandoned his family and his job to spend days with his Argentinian girlfriend and (as described in his embarrassingly leaked email) her magnificent pair: 

"I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding
yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of
night’s light…"

Sexytime!!!  Now why is everyone making fun of this man who played hooky?  Because, once again, while it's none of our business if Sanford cheats on his wife, it is when he then covers for it by attacking Bill Clinton and voting against the civil rights of gay people:

 
It was gay people who threatened Sanford's marriage, not gorgeous Latin American tits.  Riiiiiight
 
Conservative attacks on gay rights are finally beginning to fall short for one simple reason:  after so many examples of right-wing sex scandals, the public knows (okay, the smart public knows) that these shrieking moral guardians are completely full of shit:
 

Sex sells.  You know it, I know it, even Bill O'Reilly knows it, but what kills me is that conservatives still accuse gay people of debasing the culture while one of their beloved blue-chip-stock corporations and international purveyor of processed-meat sandwiches unloads an ad like this:

 

Now if you love camp like I do, this ad is gloriously tacky but you can't blame homosexuals for it (for one thing, that font is awful!) — no, this is clearly the work of corporate straight guys who obviously and rightly like blowjobs even more than breasts.  But where's the moral outrage now?  Isn't Burger King cheapening the sanctity of traditional family dinners? 

No, you can't get people riled up about gay perverts while you're selling them BK BJs — the public sees the disconnect.

And while the family values people like Sanford hate us, their corporate bretheren loooove our money!  After all, even in the glow of Megan Fox's headlights, the "Transformers" people still gave us what we like: