The story of Adam and Steve

I will never understand the religious right’s boner for Adam and Eve, especially when it comes to using them as the standard for adult relationships. It’s just like… Seriously? I know that biblically speaking, they were first, but still, considering they caused humanity’s downfall, gave birth to and subsequently raised a man who committed fratricide, and then presumably banged him in order to create more kids. See what I mean? Clearly not the best example of heteronormative relationships.

(Via Gawker)

But worry not! Because in an upcoming autobiography, God (here channelling himself through The Daily Show‘s David Javerbaum) recounts that God actually did create Adam and Steve and that the downfall of man came when assholes started convincing them that there was something wrong with being gay. Also: Steve had it going on in the conventional sense.

Advertisement

So one night I caused him to fall into a deep sleep; fulsomely did I roofie his nectar; and as he slept, I removed a rib, though not a load bearing one.

And from this rib I fashioned a companion for him; a hunk, unburdened by excess wisdom; ripped, and cut, and hung like unto a fig tree before the harvest;

Yea, and a power bottom.

And Adam arose, and saw him, and wept for joy; and he called the man Steve; I had suggested Steven, but Adam liked to keep things informal.

And then, I’m guessing here, God created J-Lube and latex gloves. And Adam saw that it was good. And Steve saw that it was reeeeeeeeeal good.