Toronto Diary
1 min

This just in: Madonna is the Ark of the Covenant

So holy shit, did you guys hear about how Madonna made a bunch of decent, hard-working TIFF volunteers turn to face a wall so they wouldn’t look upon her with their filthy peasant eyes? Because she totally did that. She totally made people stare at a wall because she wouldn’t deign to let them look upon her untainted natural beauty.

Now, before you jump down Madonna’s throat and call her a self-important bitch with delusions of otherworldly power, I think it’s about time you all learned the truth: Madonna is actually the Ark of the Covenant.

What, you thought her freakish gargoyle arms or pitbull jowls were normal? Pshaw. Clearly, Madonna is a sacred mystical artifact of such religious importance that to simply gaze upon her harpy form would cause your face to melt off like the Nazis in that one Indiana Jones movie. You know, the good one. 

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