2 min

Titan ban a kick in our balls (and our intellects)

Credit: Titan Media/

The most important thing my mother ever taught me is that you should never get between a man and his two main loves: food and porn. Getting between a man with blue balls and his porn is like trying to get between a great white shark and a chunk of meat. Even in the best-case scenario, you’re probably going to lose a limb.

And yet, this is exactly what Canadian border guards have done. Once again, Canada has solved every major social and economic problem facing the country, which means that we now have time to stop another batch of porn DVDs from crossing the border. The latest round to be cock-blocked includes two titles from Titan Men: Bound, Flogged, Fisted and Fist and Piss. Let it never be said they don’t put the B in subtlety.

On its blog, Titan addressed the entire thing in stride, thanking the border guards for bringing more attention to their movies and for doing absolutely nothing to keep people from watching them, thanks to this newfangled thing called “the internet.” You may have heard of it.

And this pushes the inherent stupidity of this scenario into the spotlight. Not just that it’s morally reprehensible to ban any form of art (yes, porn is art — sexy art), but that it’s impossible to censor or ban media in an age where I can, at any given moment, go online and watch a movie featuring people being sewn ass-to-mouth or one starring François Sagat as a zombie-alien . . . thing. When information transcends physical limitations, censorship is merely a wrong-headed idea rather than any actual threat.

But let’s say they could keep these movies from ever reaching Canada. Let’s create a little pocket universe in which their physical and electronic distribution could be completely banned. What, if anything, would this achieve?

If the argument is that these movies corrupt Canadians, turning viewers into sexual deviants, then you’re shit out of luck. The people who buy these movies have to be consenting adults, who know full well what they’re into sexually. Banning these movies to keep these fictional puritans chaste is like closing the barn door after the cow you never owned got out.

And even if that’s not the case, who cares? A few more people come into their own, sexually, and realize there’s more to fucking than just vanilla. What’s wrong with that? The world needs more kinky people.

Ultimately, what I’m pissed about is that this is an exercise in futility. It’s a waste of time and money to push an illusion that Canadian border guards are keeping safe a group of people who exist solely in their own minds. It’s a move that insults both our collective intellect and our collective junk.