Toronto Diary
2 min

Tits or GTFO

I remember back when I was living in the West Island of Montreal, I had a drunken conversation with a friend, while holding her hair back as she barfed in my family’s tulips, during one of my older brother’s house parties. My friend, we’ll call her Alex, had huge tits. Not cartoonishly huge but enough to qualify as “well-endowed.” By this point in the night, they were out and on full display. On a whim (and a couple swigs of jungle juice), I asked her if she was comfortable walking around with her breasticles out in the open. She responded by spitting out one final wad of saliva before dead-panning, “They’re just tits."

It’s the same argument I’m using in response to R Jeanette Martin’s being told to put the girls away at the Toronto Festival of Beer. They’re just tits. They’re absolutely no different from men’s tits, except that they’re bigger (usually). And before you say that women can lactate and that men view breasts as sexual objects (two points that, when placed together, are creepy as shit), watch this and tell me that the same argument can’t be reversed (WARNING: NSFW IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY):

Yeah, good luck unseeing that, but you get my point: people can and will sexualize anything. It’s called Rule 34. If you ban something based solely on the fact that it gets someone off, you’d pretty much ban everything that has ever existed.

They’re just tits. It’s not as though they spray acid! And besides, women are allowed to go topless here in Ontario, yet most of them wear shirts anyway. Probably because, as Alex pointed out, those things can be a bit hard to carry around unencumbered all the time, especially if you’re a little more blessed than others. And if you’re worried that someone might “get the wrong idea,” well, quite frankly, no one is responsible for someone else’s shitty behaviour, and you can’t restrict someone’s rights because someone else might be a total ass about it. Not how the system works.

The point of the law is to be cold, calculating and passionless as a means to temper our behaviour when we’re not. Sure, based on our own beliefs, some people might have an issue with exposed female breasts, but what we believe doesn’t trump the basic science that says female breasts are basically the same as male breasts. Tits are tits regardless of whom they hang on. Honestly, who gives two fucks and a side of rat asses? 

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