Vancouver
2 min

Toe-tal beauty

Admiring your toeticles, and creaming your cuenails

Hello there, you little buttons of love!

I have returned to you fresh as a delightful daisy from my trip to the spa. Ahh, there is nothing like a truly rigorous Swedish massage to get one’s juices flowing; not to mention the sheer bliss of the mud bath! What a refreshing way to get filthy.

The last time we were snuggled together like this here at the Kink Klinik, we went over the basics of the manicure, so essential. There is no point, however, in paying all that attention to the hands only to forget the feet entirely. The dainty toe digits must not be overlooked in our quest for beauty perfection. I cannot stress enough how our Total Look depends on the details. No one will see that pretty face if they can’t stop staring at your prehensile yellow claw-like toenails.

A pedicure is in essence the same as a manicure, except of course that you must be slightly more limber and able to reach your toes. Of course my daily yoga practice enables me to be intimately attuned to all my nether regions. I am so incredibly flexible I can actually lick my own… well, never mind about that.

Back to the foot! (Also a yoga position I am acquainted with.)

Now, we want our little toesies to be all comfy-womfy in our little shoesies, don’t we? And we don’t want any abnormal callous growths, foot fungi or grossly ingrown toenails dangling from our slingbacks, now do we? I think not; too beastly for words. I shudder at the thought!

All right, should you happen to suffer from any of the abovementioned atrocities, a good pumice stone is your only hope. Get one instantly. Do a little scrubby-dubbing before you bathe and there may be hope for you. It’s either scrub those unsightly blights off, or begin to budget for mukluks. Sandals are definitely out.

I must take a moment to mention here that if you find it too revolting to grind away at your own gnarly tootsie flesh, you can always pay someone else to do it. This is my personal choice. Of course, as soon as I enter the salon, the girls are begging to be allowed to work on my pearl-like extremities. They absolutely swoon with pleasure when allowed to trim such angelic toenails! Tres charmant, non?

Now, for you do-it-yourselfers, the pedicure is actually easy enough to do in the privacy of your own salle de bain. Just remember to file the toenails straight across, rounding them slightly to conform to the shape of your toe. Rounding the nail a little prevents the oh so ghastly and painful ingrown toenail. This is not the time or place for fancy nail shaping shenanigans. No points! No squares! We don’t want to snag our hose.

After you’ve shaped, you must refine. Sand off any rough edges with the fine side of your emery board. The next step is a lovely exotic soaking in warm Epsom salts. Do this for about 10 minutes or so and then proceed with the rest of your footy maintenance.

Push back cuticles with your orange stick. Surely you are well supplied with those by now. Then you must massage Cuticle with a little cream or oil, polish the toenails, etc, etc, etc, blah, blah, honk, honk. You catch the drift of this, I’m sure. You’re not stupid little ninnies, are you?

I do so adore imparting my infinite beauty wisdom. It’s repeating it endlessly that gets so wearing.

Also, I was just thinking: Don’t you think that the toenail cuticle should have another name entirely? Perhaps it should be called the toeticle, or the cuenail?

Ah dear, my fantastically huge and brainy brain never ceases in its endless turning, questing and improving on all that is beautiful.

I must leave you, my dears, admiring your toeticles and creaming your cuenails.