3 min

Tricks & treats

OH TEACHER. Dana Alexander joins Bitch Salad on Tue, Oct 13.

Trick or treat?

They say Halloween is the gay Christmas and it’s true. Strangers in your chimney, stockings stuffed, unwrapped boxes, crabs and spiders… gotta love those tricks.

The month of fright starts off right with magical tricks as Mysterion’s Ghost Show mystifies the Bad Dog Theatre (138 Broadview Ave) on Sun, Oct 11 (7:30pm doors; $10) for an all-ages show. The venue is not too far from one of Paris Hilton’s fave Toronto shopping spots Surga (294 Danforth Ave) where she nabbed a few pairs of those terrifyingly outrageous sunglasses she flaunts around LA. You won’t believe your eyes as master magician Mysterion’s campy shenanigans summon the dead and features a spook-tacular magical séance that has the poster teasing, “so shocking, some will faint!” If you see a blonde gangly thing lying unconscious on the sidewalk, it’s only Paris forgetting to eat again.

Indulging in some good old-fashioned pub food after a Toronto International Film Festival event, Neve Campbell was spotted with a party of five at O’Grady’s (518 Church St). There may or may not have been discussions of her reprising her role in a new Scream sequel as she was seen making stabbing gestures with an imaginary knife to the delight of eavesdropping film fans stuffing their faces with club sandwiches, hungry for juicy gossip.

Sink your fangs into Grapefruit on Fri, Oct 9 for Club Kylie at Fly (8 Gloucester St; 10pm doors and $10 cover after 11pm). Kylie Minogue’s show happening earlier that evening at the Air Canada Centre, her highly anticipated first-ever concert in Toronto, will draw fans to both venues crazed with happiness. Expect Kylie fever to continue on into the wee hours with DJs Shane Percy and Aural spinning you round to top hits and absolute musts like “I Believe in You” and “The One.” Look for a certain queen on the scene performing.

When Madonna last visited the ACC, I sat too close to the speakers and couldn’t get her out of my head for a week. It was a headache but now it’s time for a celebration. Lourdes’ unibrow has made a cameo in mama Madonna’s latest video — speaking of frights — and the “Celebration” begins with the new greatest hits collection (as well as the fierce two-disc DVD set) that everyone will somehow end up with. That’s right, now you know what you’re getting for Christmas. M’s schedule must be absolute crazypants seeing as how she can’t find the time to arrange poor Lourdes a casual mustache bleaching.

Getting all hairy and tired of dancing here all by myself, I headed out to Can’t Stop Esther at the Courthouse (57 Adelaide St E) for what was just the beginning of the Madgeness sweeping the club scene. I arrived in time to catch Aldonna’s performance of voguing, cartwheels and impossible body contortions. Aldonna’s one of Madonna’s biggest fans — but that is based purely on weight. I know, bitchy.

The wait is over and Andrew Johnston’s Bitch Salad is going Black to School on Tue, Oct 13 (8:30pm, $10) at Buddies (12 Alexander St). The female comedy night is the first all-black girl edition and the laughs are bound to be bigger than my ass in a G-string at Caribana. Arrive early for surely you won’t want to miss these wise-cracking divas in bling do their thing.

What will be sorely missed however is Zelda’s, the zany, infamous eatery that closed its doors on Church St. Its tickle-trunk vibe and famous sangrias gave thousands of people numerous memories, highlights and hangovers throughout the years and it’s a shame to see the queen of the patios move on (see story page 7).

But now onto the King — and no, this is not a Michael Jackson eulogy — the other king, Woody’s (465-467 Church St) which celebrates its 20-year anniversary on Thu, Oct 8. Twenty years of the best chests, best legs, best ass, amazing management and bar service is no small feat and they still found the time for cult favourite Queer as Folk to film a few memorable scenes there. The big daddys love their hot mommas and a dozen drag queens from past to present are invited to recreate some of the most memorable and significant numbers that have thrilled and amazed folks in one of the village’s most legendary spaces. Sporadic performances and hot music throughout the night guarantee it’s going to be a celebration and an extravaganza. So get on out for an evening of amazing new memories.

And start preparing for treats, vamps and ghoulies or teets and mules, for these festivities only come around once a year. Just like Santa Claus, who also only comes once a year. Aren’t you glad you’re not Santa Claus?