3 min


Shows I want to see on the all-queer channel

FANTASY REMOTE CONTROL. If six episodes of the British series Metrosexuality (Paul Keating plays Dean) aren't enough to fill PrideVision's schedule, here are some other ideas. Credit: Xtra Files

As all the high-end fruitistas with satellite/digital/mach speed/interactive TV (and Sonja Mills) already know, there’s a new TV station in town – PrideVision, sort of like the religious channel Vision, but without the Little House On The Prairie reruns (although that Mr Olsen had something about him).

Part of PrideVision’s mandate is to produce and showcase original, Canadian queer programs. In other words, my dream job. Here, then, are some suggestions for guaranteed ratings winners.

* The City Housingers. A new “surveillance” show set in the gay village co-op housing system.

Imagine The Lofters with cheaper haircuts. Pilot storylines include a nail-nibbling cliffhanger starring high-priced legal consultant Dave, a 15-year resident desperate to negotiate down his $102 a month rent; a poignant peak into Three-Bedroom-Lionel’s obsessive bid to blackball his ex-boyfriend’s best friend from the micro-junior bachelor apartment waiting list; and the riveting wheelings and dealings in the smoky backroom of the Spring Yard And Jumble Sale Poster Ad Copy Sub-Committee.

* Survivor: Black Eagle Challenge. Seven contestants vie for entry into Toronto’s nit-pickiest leather bar. Initial tests such as Stare Down The Door Bear and Which Day Is Open Toed Shoe Day? will separate the floggers from the flinchers. After the first pack of under-leathered losers are culled, it’s time to get tough. Who will master Piss Wednesday Hanky Decoder? The final three contestants will face the most ruthless, Mount Everest-like challenge – the dreaded Stay Awake Monday!

* Late Night Cinema Classics. Hosts Mark Tewksbury and Bruce LaBruce introduce and discuss seminal films from the queer canon. A sample exchange:

“Hi, I’m Mark! Tonight’s movie is that one about the olden-days lady in Atlanta – Go Hotlanta! Hotlanta Pride! Yesssss! – uhm, you know, the one where she makes her own dress out of a window treatment after her house burns down and stuff?”

“I met Vivian Leigh’s shoe repair man in Los Angeles recently, while I was having lunch with Gus Van Sant, who’s friends with Matt Damon’s dog walker. The gentle cobbler offered to sand down my uneven heels. It was one of those moments you can only have in LA.”

“Cool! Next week we’re showing that movie with the two old drag queens where one’s in a wheelchair and the other one sings songs from, like, the war and then they go to the beach and the handicapped one dies.”

“Bette Davis’s food taster, who was babysat by Patty Hearst’s riding coach, gave me a lock of La Bette’s hair at the Venice Film Festival. I stitched it into my Helmut Lang, black polyvinyl jock strap, given to me by the Aga Khan’s closeted personal ring sizer, as a present to celebrate the smash debut in Lima of my latest Super-8 porn opus….”

“Bruce? What’s a cobbler?”

* Tranny Tea Tray. A transgendered cooking and home entertaining show, hosted by York University gender diaspora instructors Terry and Kelly. The first season promises to be a real culinary ass kicker, as T and K prepare, following three episodes of empowering consensus building, their ever-popular signature entrée, Fricasseeing Outside The Polarity Griddle: Duality, Polyessentialism And Squabs With Raspberry Sauce.

The holiday special, Irretractable Organs: Tripe Anglais With Carrots And Unmediated (Fe)Male Gizzard will have Emeril weeping in jealousy. And don’t miss the two hour Pride week episode, “Fight Back! Transphobic Utensils: The Truth About Two-slotted Spatulas!”

* The Editors. A behind the scenes nighttime soap opera set in the ruthless, competitive world of queer bi-weekly newspapers.

Two rival editors bicker, back bite and story poach each other with more ferocity than Krystle and Alexis in the reflecting pool – all in the name of localized, identity-specific journalism. Cheer the clever use of anonymous e-mail handles to spread vicious gossip! Hiss at social climbing junior editors as they fuck their way to the middle! The season finale sees the warring papers on high alert as they madly chase down the real scoop on the seating capacity of a new Church St coffee shop! Alternative show title: Gnat’s Landing.

* Ten Zen Seconds With Gino Empry. Legendary publicist and bon vivant Gino Empry hosts this thoughtful mid-afternoon meditation program

For a blissful and invigorating 10 whole seconds, Gino sits perfectly still and avoids his speed dial. The world is a little quieter.

* MCC Smackdown! Candle light vigils will never be the same.

Gay Christians battle it out for the coveted Rainbow Belt. Refereed by the Rev Brent “Bust ‘Em Up” Hawkes, this sports entertainment event is a no-holds-barred, knock down the pews, turn over the Christmas tree, crack the collection plate over your head donnybrook that takes no prisoners. The mighty Choir Killer will paralyze you with his Kneeling To The Saviour Headlock! Watch out for Healing Circle Crippler’s deadly Colonializing Catechism! Can you stand the exquisite torture of Prayer Book Billy’s Sermon Scissor Lock?

Our motto: The body may bruise, but the soul busts up real good!