2 min

Two-handed trick

Alley cat screams

Credit: Xtra West files

Until recently, I had all the company I needed. My ex-boyfriend-so recent that I sometimes forget to use ex in conversation-gave me great warm company that was nearly as good as the sex. I knew it was a tough break-up when washing my butthole made me cry.

So lately, I’m not interested in just giving it away. I know, LaWhore with a heart of gold.

Still, I get lonely in that dark and horny way. Sometimes jerking off by myself feels like one hand clapping. I don’t know what to do with myself.

In just such a frustrated state the other night, I threw on a pair of jeans, a baggy hoodie and a ballcap, walked up the block to the alley behind the neighbourhood porn theatre, and leaned against a telephone pole, waiting. I thought I’d test a fantasy I have about a not-so-straight guy.

After a half-hour with nothing happening, I noticed someone on the back balcony of the building in front of me. Whoever it was stood in the shadows, either watching the same door as I was, or spying on me, or both. Great, I thought, I’m this desperate and now I have competition.

On and on I waited, until the porn theatre door swung open, a guy sauntered out, and I ever-so-casually cleared my throat. He noticed me and slowed down. My ball cap was pulled low, shadowing my eyes, but as I turned to walk further up the alley I made a deliberate point of watching him so he’d know he was invited.

I stepped into a dark doorway, with my heart racing and my cock getting hard in my pants. I’m just here to masturbate, I reminded myself, but it didn’t matter. The guy didn’t show.

Instead, I recognized the outline of the person from the balcony pass by. Just eight feet away, I couldn’t tell if it was a man checking out potential action or a woman ready to phone the cops on me, so I defused my cruise missile.

The mystery person disappeared into his/her building, I went back to my post, and another guy came out. Eventually I got him into the alley, but his dick was entirely flaccid which didn’t do anything for me. I stopped pulling on it and he left.

Minutes later, a car crawled through the alley. It was the first man from the theatre. We played cat and mouse for an hour until finally he joined me in another walkway. We jerked each other off for three minutes until we splat-splat and I went home.

Three hours had passed. A minute together for each hour I spent hunting. Me, lonely? Nah. I have new friends to give me a helping hand.