Vice magazine gets anal sex all wrong

Vice magazine’s “Why Girls Should Never Have Anal Sex” is not true or particularly funny. Each reason listed by writer Mary-Ann Banal is stupid and a little offensive. Sure, it’s an article about girls having anal sex, but an ass is an ass, so it’s just as applicable — and as irrelevant — for men as women.

My issue isn’t that it’s poorly written, and I’m not claiming it isn’t an entertaining read. It’s just that it’s totally inaccurate and borders on anal fear mongering. Which totally exists! I can’t count how many people, especially female people, who have reacted with an “ew” or some kind of outrage when discussing butt-sex. So many think it’s going to hurt, bleed, stretch, leak, NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN . . . And disappointingly, the Vice piece reinforced every one of these falsities, leading me to wonder if Mary-Ann Banal has ever really had anal sex at all. If she has, she’s certainly never done it right.

If it, uhm, “feels like shitting backwards,” girl, then you might want to see a doctor because what kinda shits you be having? If a pulsing hard cock comes out of your ass during a BM, then I suggest you change your diet.

And, unless he was really good or really bad, your back door will not “stay broken for a while” as you suggest. You might feel a pulsing li’l tingle for a day or so, but it’s not painful. In fact, some call the feeling “satisfaction.” If it takes “nine days” to recover, and if you unsuccessfully try to shit “25 times a day,” then once again, hit the fucking doctor.

Also, you wouldn’t “shit cum” if you used a condom, and if you’re “not convinced he likes it that much, either” — well, you should be. Because he does. And you would, too, if you put half as much energy into your sex life as you do into your irrational pessimism.

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