Toronto Diary
1 min

What did people stick up their butts this year?

As you've no doubt noticed, the last week of the year is always celebrated with a slew of best/worst-of-the-year lists. Blame it on a mix of winter exhaustion, tradition and good-old-fashioned self-congratulation.

But there is one year-ending list so perfectly bizzare, so sublime in its execution, that it perfectly captures what humanity can accomplish within the scope of a calendar year: the Sun-Sentinel's list of emergency-room visits around the world. Specifically, the list of items inserted rectally/vaginally/urethrally that required extraction. What better way to gauge our successes than by our failures?

The good people at Deadspin were courteous enough to compile a list of inserted items that required emergency-room visits, and it's absolutely worth a look. I understand necessity is the mother of invention, but certain items really require some sort of back story. I mean, really, a loaf of French bread? Oh, sweetie. Never insert anything that audibly crackles. And to whoever "WAS DARED TO PUT A COSMETICS BOTTLE IN VAGINA," please know that "No" is a perfectly reasonable response to that.

The big lesson here, if there even is one, is that if you want to play with some unconventional toys, just remember to be safe about it. Always ensure you have a way to pull out whatever you put in, and only insert soft, clean, unbreakable objects. If you aren't sure about the clean part, wrap it in a condom. And if, god forbid, anything should happen, always be as honest with your doctor as possible. They've spent years training to help you out, and they can't do that if you're going to pretend you "SLIPPED & FELL ONTO A TOY TRUCK WHILE CLEANING."


[Image via Oddee]