Oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ, it’s happened: Snooki has finally learned how to reproduce asexually, and now the chubby, melanotic spores have attached themselves to pop culture and are sapping it of all its energy. Or at least that is the only logical explanation for whatever the fuck this thing is. Seriously, is this what the kids are up to these days? Turning themselves into fat orange whores in order to be famous? Back in my day, you got your job the right way: by working out in the gym until you were hot enough to fuck your way to the middle. Like me!
But no: now kids are just slapping people with their Creamsicle-fun-tits and expecting our hard-earned money. But I say nay. If you bitches want money, you’re gonna have to earn it just like all the other whores: by “accidentally leaking” a sex tape where a D-list rapper pees on you and somehow parlaying that into a reality TV show watched by little girls everywhere. I realize what that sounds like now that I can actually read it on the screen. Western civilization is doomed.