Calling all glamazons! Consider this a bedazzled gauntlet thrown in your general direction. Pride is your time to shine — literally.
The only limit to what you wear this Pride is your imagination. And possibly your sense of self-worth and/or self-respect.
No one knows more about crossing fashion lines than Vancouver’s own Kim Cathers, who ruffled more than skirts during her time on the second season of Project Runway Canada.
“Good gay fashion is the same as straight fashion,” Cathers says. “Don’t wear Ed Hardy and act like a douchebag. Or maybe that’s just good life advice. Either way you should abide.”
For those at a loss for what to wear this Pride, Cathers recommends crinoline, sparkles, big massive shoes, feathers or a parasol. She advises everyone to “go big, go bold, find amazing shoes, and don’t forget to dance baby, dance!”
Not surprisingly, Vancouver underwear designer Ryan McKillop believes less is more during Pride celebrations.
His number-one tip is to “stay away from floral print.”
“If you’ve got it, flaunt it,” he says. “And if it’s not under cover, wear sexy underwear or nothing at all.”
Redd Trinidad, webmaster for takethatoff.com, has seen his share of disaster. He runs an interactive blog where his readers are encouraged to take photos of fashion horrors on Vancouver streets and email them in for catty commentary.
“The worst thing I’ve ever seen during Pride was a guy wearing a plastic bag as a Speedo,” he tells me. “Instead of telling him to take it off, I wanted to tell him to keep it on.”
He believes the biggest mistake people make during Pride is falling for too much of the bad stuff: too tight, too short and too shiny.
He recommends dressing “comfortably. You don’t want to be a walking piñata.”
After countless minutes of consulting with my crack design team, here’s a short list of Dos and Don’ts to keep in mind for your celebrations this year:
Ordinary household items as couture
You know when you see something you use everyday in an entirely new way? Like that time you were at a circuit party and a sparkly giant was wearing a loofah sponge as a cocktail hat? Or that girl on the corner of Davie and Cardero who had teacup earmuffs and a dishtowel dress to die for? Sure, you thought they both looked really stupid at the time, but they were also so memorable that even a year later you snort with laughter every time you loofah your balls in the shower.
These are so hot right now! So hot that even Katy Perry has decreed they must only be worn with bikinis on top. I can relate. Life is short and your short-shorts should be even shorter. However, you must follow this rule of thumb: if we can see your bum, you look dumb. Clear?
Close your eyes and think of the most obvious way you can stand out on a packed dancefloor. If you pictured taking your shorts off or making out with everyone around you, good for you. If you pictured yourself covered in glitter, you should stop reading this now because I know who you are and there’s nothing I can do to help you. Just kidding. Sort of.
Nothing says do not fuck with me like a large fabric fan that whipcracks every time you snap it open. Perfect for crowd control and for large groups of gays who want to look super, extra, I-didn’t-think-they-could-look-any-gayer gay.
If you think you look stupid when you check your mirror to see if your Crocs match your outfit, trust that inner voice and change your shoes.
He’s wearing angel wings, sure, but his are different from the ones everyone else is wearing because Jesus appeared to him in a vision at the White Party in Palm Springs and left this sparkly, feathered mess as a sign that God really does love queers, and partying is actually an act of divine worship. He is a 115-pound circuit party miracle. Cherish him.
Oh, hahaha, you ran out of your last clean pair of underwear and thought, “Wouldn’t it be hilar if I wrapped my junk in plastic and walked the entire Pride parade route asking complete strangers if they like my new underwear?” We get it. You are obviously the next Lagerfeld despite the fact that your cock looks like a half-eaten Vietnamese roll.
Ladies of the taped, X’d-over nipples, hear me out: set your prisoners free!
Weren’t these originally used to gauge and show appreciation for some hot piece of summer scrumptiousness? As in, Hey, you’re hot and I want to give you a blowjob in the bushes over there, so how about I put this cheap necklace around your neck as an icebreaker and we can get to baby-making? Seeing a 12-year-old girl with 50 necklaces around her neck is a sign that beads are once again the worst mainstream appropriation of Pride culture.
If you were his friend, you’d probably find yourself constantly telling him to get rid of that stupid necklace, until the day finally comes when you snap and just rip it off, and for a slow-mo moment, the shells falling to the sidewalk are both a haunting and beautiful reminder that it’s time for you to find new friends.