Toronto Diary
1 min

Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the children?!

I don’t know what’s worse here: the fact that a panel of people actually sat down and thought as rationally as they could about how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and MC Hammer were trying to indoctrinate kids into satanism, or that these people are Canadian. Yes, that’s right: there’s a good chance these morons are actually our fault. I’m just going to go ahead and add these a-holes to the list of people Canada needs to apologize for, right between “Bieber, Justin” and “Nickelback."

Look, I might not know that much about children, what with my whole hatred of kids (they’re like people, but screechier and more annoying! WHY ARE THEY?!) but I can say with pretty straightforward clarity here: nothing your kids see on TV or play with will turn them into human-sacrificing hellspawns. Not gonna happen. My birthday present for my fourth birthday was a Sailor Moon wand, and I’m not running around throwing tiaras at bitches. Why? Because if you actually do your job right as a parent, eventually your kids will realize that there’s a difference between reality and fantasy, and that girls don’t transform into magical spank material thanks to clicky pens. At least, I think they were clicky pens . . .

My point is, part of growing up is delineating reality from fantasy. Kids will have the rest of their lives to trudge around the fact that Hogwarts isn’t real or that Bloody Mary doesn’t actually appear if you say her name three times in a mirror. Let your kids watch whatever they watch, then just try and keep an eye on them so they don’t kill themselves. That’s honestly the best you can do. 

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