The world is cold and beautiful. As the heavens bequeath tiny, ornate crystals and those precious flakes drift peacefully earthward, you think, What the fuck? Why do I live here? And what gifts will I buy all these people?
Well, you’re in luck: we’ve put together some ideas. Contained within these pages are items ranging from the filthy to the obscure to the intoxicating. Alleviate the despair of the season by giving a dildo to a slutty friend, a board game to a geeky aunt or a bracelet to someone who likes bracelets.
Disaronno Wears Versace
Designed by Versace, this limited-edition bottle of Disaronno liqueur is great for anyone who likes to get tipsy in style.
Dorothy and Toto Cookie Jar
Dorothy and her faithful pup keep your cookies safe from the Wicked Witch of the West.
We-Vibe 4 Plus
The future is here, and it’s vibrating your vagina from the other side of the planet. The We-Vibe 4 Plus can be controlled by your international playmates via a downloadable app.
$190 Venus Envy, 226 Bank St
Work Week Sock Pack
This pack of five brightly coloured pairs of socks is perfect for men and women who want their feet to look charming from Monday to Friday. The weekend is your own business.
$29 Drake General Store, 73 Rideau St, main level at The Bay Rideau Street
A-Wreath-a Duvet Cover
Designed by artist and illustrator Sissydude, this Aretha Franklin–themed ultra-soft duvet cover commands r-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Baked in-house and available in lemon and dark- and white-chocolate chunk, Italian Christmas bread is great as a gift or for sharing around the table on the holidays.
$12–15 Bread By Us, 1065 Wellington St W
A popular and relatively simple board game named after the medieval fortified town in southern France. There are lots of tile pieces involved.
Strategy Games, 250 Bank St
Steady, unrelenting, mouth-watering — just three of this vibrator’s eight modes. This waterproof toy has a G-spot-targeting head and a quiet, rechargeable motor.
$135 Wicked Wanda’s, 327 Bank St
A woman’s shirt featuring a sort of dancing person with an irregular head. One of many trippy designs by Ottawa aboriginal artist Rob Friday.
Whitney Houston Live: Her Greatest Performances
A CD/DVD package of some of Whitney’s best live performances, including her 1983 appearance on The Merv Griffin Show at age 19.
TG1 Chest Harness
This leather chest harness is for kinky transgender men who haven’t had top surgery. The leather chest strap can flatten up to a C cup. Each harness is tailored for the individual.
Philips Shaver 9000
A shaver so high-tech, you might as well have a cyborg trim your whiskers. Includes a head that moves in eight directions and a pod that both cleans and charges.
$300 Canadian Tire, various locations
Lumberjack Shaving Soap
The Lumberjack line of products keeps even the most axe-swingingest man feeling fresh. Smelling of cedar and balsam, with undertones of vanilla and bergamot, you’re sure to create a stir in the lumber camp.
$12 Purple Urchin, 884 Somerset St W
This 60-minute customized facial uses only vegan products and is highly effective in treating skin. Relaxed, warm feeling included.
By appointment only:
BNatural Esthetics, 336 Cumberland St
Handmade Leather Bracelets
Crafted by Denny Diamond, these elaborate pieces are a bracelet fetishist’s dream. Each contains silver, copper and Swarovski crystal.
$85–110 After Stonewall, 370 Bank St
Gaia Wooden Dildo
Lovingly handcrafted in Ottawa by Rickard Andersson of Silvarus, these maple dildos are beautiful as well as pleasurable.
Catan: Ancient Egypt
The classic game with a twist: build Egyptian-style villages, cities and temples. Three to four players; three levels of play.
$75 The Comic Book Shoppe, 228 Bank St
Scissoring (9×12 print)
Toronto artist Yigi Chang has this and many other unique and shamelessly sexy prints available.